The Ageing Process...

For some reason, I have started ageing at an accelerated rate.

How have I come to this conclusion? Well, it's very simple really...

Kel's List of Top 10 Reasons to Break Out the Adult Nappies...

1. I've suddenly started listening to the 'old people' radio station. I used to listen to the Hot 100 station. Nope, these days I'm listening to 104.9 and re-living my childhood as the offspring of parents and their friends who loved David Bowie, Aerosmith, Alannah Myles, the B-52s, The Bangles, Belinda Carlisle, Blondie, Dire Straits, Fleetwood Mac, Queen, Black Sorrows, INXS, John Lennon, Choir Boys, Cold Chisel and KISS (to name a few artists of the never ending play list that is my childhood). We're talking the 70's and 80's people and it made no difference that I was born in 1984 - they had the music they liked and played it until the vinyl shredded.
2. I'm in bed by 8:30pm. I haven't done that since I was 10, and that was only because I was made to. It could be pregnancy, but it could also be an indication of my rapid decline into 'old person's land'.
3. I have no tolerance of young people. With their short-shorts that have the pockets sticking out the legs, to the bizzare skirts that are short at the front and long at the back. From the loud 'doof-doof' music they play in their cars, to the land-speed-record-breaking pace they maintain on the road. It all annoys me. And it makes me want to send my 3 year old to a convent.
4. My pelvic floor isn't as 'chipper' as it used to be. This makes me sad, and makes me pay more attention to the Depends advertisements I see. Yes, I'm on to baby #2, but I've always done my kegels! Clearly it's age related.
5. I have several, inexplicable, aches and pains in my back, my legs and my pelvis. It's obviously time I made friends with someone named 'Mavis' and started calling her every day to check that a) we're both still alive and b) that we still have all our aches and pains, and that mine can out-pain hers any day of the week.
6. We don't have enough money to retire on. I have a sneaking suspicion this will be the case if I retired now or in 1,000 years. Thanks Julia!
7. I'm afraid to die. Obviously the result of the Grim Reaper stalking me, waiting for the moment to strike. Sadistic bastard.
8. I've noticed I begin sentences with 'When I was Young...' when trying to reason with our 3 year old. Even she looks at me like I've lost my marbles.
9. My memory is gone. I'm still writing things on this whatsit machine and I can't even remember...who...where...chicken?
10. ...did I mention my memory's gone?

It's a terrible reality, but one we all have to face. True, I didn't think that 28 would be the beginning of my autumn years, but I guess some of us are destined to be old sooner rather than later.

Wait...does that mean I can get a mobility scooter!? SWEET!

If you're looking for me, I'll be the crazy old lady the teenagers speak of in hushed tones and run away from when they see me roaring down the footpath in my pimped scooter.

 

I'd also like to wish The Man a very Happy 28th Birthday today. He's the same age as me now, so for the next 6 months he can't call me an old fart without referring to himself!!

February Photo A Day Challenge: Day 17...

Day 17

|Time|

As time passes the dark circles of sleep deprivation and baby days fade. Until we do it again.

Want to play along? Visit www.fatmumslim.com.au for all the details

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! February Photo A Day Challenge: Day 12...

Day 12

| Inside My Closet |

A woman who starts her 28th year of life, today. And thinks it's a fab idea to begin that year hiding in the wardrobe. Because that's what you do when you want to hide from the ageing fairy....that, and get some Garnier BB Cream when you next go shopping.

Hey - wanna see how you'll look when you're 500 years old? Add that new, weird "sun effect" to a self portrait in Instagram and watch the years pile on. 

It made me want to dig further into my wardrobe until I found Narnia.

Holy shit the man better have a good present to boost me from that terrifying experience.

Happy 28th Birthday to me!!

Want to play along? Visit www.fatmumslim.com.au for all the details

Dear Darwin

Dear Darwin,

Hey - how are you? Sorry it's been a while since we've caught up properly, but I've been swamped with blogging work.

So what's happening? It's all go for us at the moment with life in general, and I've decided that 2011 is going to be the year I add one more thing to my plate.

I want to study. I've been putting off my nursing since 2008 - remember that? Remember when I was putting the finishing touches on my final assignment for anatomy and counting down the last 20 days to my wedding?

Remember how excited I was to be working towards my career at last, since year 12 sucked the life out of me? Do you?

Well, apparently you don't remember well enough because now you've stopped offering my course. Just like that. Nope, sorry, not doing that anymore.

Considering you have only ONE university, that's pretty poor. I came to you from Adelaide...Adelaide has THREE universities. But none of them offer my course via distance learning (jerks).

You're doing this on purpose, aren't you? Is it because we cut down all those trees on the weekend? To be fair, most of those had come down in the cyclone - so you need to speak to the low pressure system, not me. But what can I say - my Dad had a chainsaw and I had a vision. And we will now have a kick-arse lawn area for the Toddler and her swing set.

I mean, we put up with your disgusting house prices, the revolting cost of living and the complete lack of decent shopping opportunities - and for what!?

Admittedly, I might be additionally dis-enchanted with you today because the builder got back to us with some seriously awesome and dreamy diagrams of our renovations. But then I came crashing down to earth when I saw the price tag (because I always, conveniently forget that these things have to be paid for).

And I am blaming it all on you Darwin.

Because you are expensive, inconvenient, hot, humid, damp, palm-tree-frond-dropping-ly annoying and full of people who drive 20km's an hour under the speed limit in front of me on a one lane road.

I've developed a new road rule for the NT. I came up with it this morning as I was driving to work, stuck behind the slowest person on earth. Part of the standard driving test will now require you to do a race track lap against The Stig. If you can't get your car to do 0-100km/hr in under 4 seconds and complete your lap (approximately 2.83 km, or 1.76 miles) in under 1min 40sec then your car gets crushed and you have to catch the bus.

So not only have you made me want to run everyone off the road and possibly get myself arrested (only if they catch me!), you've also tried to take away my future and crush my dreams of having a house of bliss.

Is it not bad enough that when I looked in the mirror yesterday morning I found crows feet!? I'm only 27, and yet I'm starting to look like The Emperor.


This is me first thing in the morning, before coffee. Credit

 Thanks for that.

I am now desperately trying to catch that advert on telly about the snake venom cream which will paralyze my face and reverse the ageing process.

This is preferable to popping down to Hair Dude and getting some Botox with a cut and colour. I wish I was joking.

But no - you keep up with the rain so the satellite Austar link dies off and I miss my opportunity to order snake spit in a jar.

It's not fair and I want it all to change. Today. Okay?

So anyway, it was great to catch up and I'll be sure to keep an eye on your progress with the changes we've discussed above.

Hope you had a fab weekend, and say hi to Bali for me.

Love Me
x