Sometimes I need a filter between my brain and my mouth.
This is not the way to get one.

Monday, 30 May 2011

This isn't pretty

Today - today is a bad day.

Today is the result of ignoring my needs and not being 'good'. I may or may not have stopped taking my anti-depressants suddenly on Wednesday because I ran out and haven't gone to the chemist to re-fill my script.

I know this is bad. I knew it when I took the last tablet on Wednesday night and told myself to take my script, put it in my handbag so I could re-new the following day.

I knew it was bad when I didn't follow through with the thought, and allowed myself to be distracted by the other stuff I had running through my head at the time.

I knew it was bad when I could feel myself drifting back into the old hate-spiral again.

And so, here I am. On a bad day. A day I brought on myself. A day where my office door is closed because I don't want to see anyone. Because if someone says something to me I'm likely to react in an unexpected way. Bursting into tears or getting worked up for no reason are the two options right now.

The following is an email I just sent to my poor husband;

"I am really feeling off today – anxiety is at an all time high, same with jittery nerves and over the top reactions to everything. High strung = me. I’m even sitting here wanting to cry just thinking about the state of the house and how I know if I go and clean it, it will just go to shit all over again and I’m a complete failure for spending yesterday on the couch instead of cleaning when I wanted to clean but I was so tired, but I shouldn’t be tired because that’s just a sign of weakness and being totally useless.

People keep telling me that I did a good job over the weekend and I can’t accept anything nice about myself – I feel like it’s all lies and I’m a big fat idiot.

Today is a bad day...I have my office door shut because I just want to hide and not see anyone. I’m just really off today...really, really off.

And now you’re going to think I’m insane and crazy and divorce me and take "E" away and never speak to me again."

And that's exactly what's flowing around my head. How stupid, useless and pointless I am.

I had to work over the weekend, at an education conference we put on for all our doctors and nurses. I started at 7am and finished at 6pm. I did my job. I don't feel I did it especially well, I don't feel I did anything extraordinary. I was there with other colleagues who had to work too. I worked the hours I had to. I often have to work late during the week because of the education events I facilitate.

So when my Manager came in and gave me movie tickets as a thank you for my efforts, I had a hard time accepting them. And I cried after she left my office.

Because I feel like a fraud. That I don't deserve it. They think I didn't go the the gala ball on Saturday night because we had prior plans. The truth is I couldn't face being in a room full of medical professionals who might spot that I'm a freak, that I'm unstable and an unfit mother/wife/worker/part of human society. And I felt like I hadn't earnt my right to be in that room full of people who do such amazing things every day.

When I look at myself I see someone who should be grateful that she hasn't been found out.

But it's only a matter of time before it all falls apart and the world discovers what a horrible person I am. What a failure I am.

Yes, today is a bad day, and I know it.

But no matter what I do, there is always that small voice that says I'm not worth it. That I'm stupid and ridiculous for needing medication to be 'normal'. That I should just be able to do it, I should just be able to be happy.

Be normal.

Be like everyone else and stop being so stupid.

However, I know I need to listen to the voice that says it's not a waste of money for me to be in the chemist and getting my script re-filled. That it's all okay and that this is only happening because I didn't think about myself.

Ugh - it all sounds so selfish and self centred though. This whole post it self centred and childish. This entire blog if full of me, me, me and no one else. And right now I hate myself for that.

No wonder the truth is so hard to come by. No wonder it all hurts so much - when you're stuck in a repetitive cycle and one thought simply leads into another, building on themselves until you're so full of self disgust you can't find a single happy thought.

Thank god I'm not Peter Pan. I'd be a human meteor.

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