It's not all black and white...

Image Source: PANDA

This week is Postnatal Depression (PND) Awareness week.

This year, I'm blogging from the other side of the coin. The survivors side.

And I don't mean survivor in the sense that I was schlepped to an island with a bunch of strangers and had to survive on a mixture of rat meat and rain water, but I mean I have been to the darkest depths imaginable and I've come back.

I'm not saying it wasn't hard, I'm not saying that I don't still have dodgy days where I think everything about me is shite and I'm not saying that what I went through is typical.

Because it's not.

Every parent, every emotion, every thought is as individual as the person having it. There is nothing typical about PND, and perhaps that's why so many of us remain in denial. 'Oh, it's not exactly the same as what Betty went through, so I've not got PND. I'm just having a bad day - I'll be fine!'

The trouble is, when those bad days start to add up and you can't remember the last good day you had. When you feel panicky at the thought of leaving the house, or someone coming over to see you and the baby. When the smallest thing can make you burst into tears or feel so angry you want to scream.

It all adds up. It all takes over. You feel like there's no way to get out.

Well, I'm here to say there is absolutely a way out. I'm living proof. Undeniable.

It feels amazing when it all finally comes out. That initial release is like someone lifting a suitcase of cheap souvenirs off your shoulders. A bag full of crappy pewter trinkets to remind yourself of every single time you think you failed. Every single thing you think you did wrong. Every scenario you've ever imagined where you think you're the unmistakable downfall.

You decide that your friends and family are better off without you. That you are just dragging them down with you. They should escape while they still can.

None of it's true, but the negative is always harder to accept than the positive. I don't know why some of us find it so difficult to accept that we are nice people and we deserve to be as happy and fulfilled as the next person. No ifs', ands' or buts'.

My husband is proof that people you love are your best anchors and will always back you up. My children are proof that PND doesn't change anything about how you love and bond. My Mum is proof that every girl needs someone to say it out loud - to say what you're afraid to. My friends are proof that the people who know you can see beyond it all and won't give up on you.

The main point is you are not alone. Ever. There are so many brave voices out there, sharing their stories and proving that no one is immune, PND does not discriminate. It doesn't care which half of the parenting unit you are, or if you are the whole unit on your own. Mum or Dad, it can hit you like a tonne of bricks.

"Perinatal depression is not a women's issue. It affects whole families and without treatment it can change the lives of families forever. However, help is available and early intervention and the right support leads to a faster recovery." ~ PANDA CEO, Belinda Horton. Quote taken from www.panda.org.au 

No one should be ashamed, or afraid to get help. Some of the many resources available are:

Click the image for more information. Image Source: PANDA 

Click the image for more information. Image Source: PANDA 

Click the image for more information. Image source: beyondblue

There is a collective link-up being hosted by Emma at Five Degrees of Chaos where people can share, and read stories of other's, experiences with PND. You can visit Emma's blog directly or click this link.

Wednesday 20 November 2013 on Instagram is the day for letting your pictures do the talking. Be sure to use the hashtag #bePNDaware.

Lastly, if you think you might be experiencing depression or anxiety, or if you are concerned for a friend or family member, contact PANDA online or phone their helpline on 1300 726 306. A complete list of contact information can be found here.

Dear Father Christmas...

Apologies for not having posted this week.

It started out a bit of a mess when my boss went on leave and all the lunatics descended on me. They were obviously waiting for her to run off and get married so they could pounce on the weak one.

I also had to run a Remote Emergency Skills Training course this weekend. Picture 15 GPs in a room with 7 experts on remote emergency training and 2 admin people tying to make sure everyone had their laryngoscopes, that the defibrillator machine worked and all the simulation/CPR dummies were in full working order (i.e. the trainer could stand there and make it cry/moan/scream/gasp for air etc...)

I even had to make sure the baby dummy's umbilical cord was inserted and able to be catheterised with blood and everything coming out of it.

It was a very stressful weekend and I wasn't even being assessed on my ability to keep someone alive. It was a good weekend to make sure I was taking my anti-depressants properly.

But I ran out of them on Tuesday. Meant to get them on the Thursday on our way to the hotel we were staying in while I was working, but the Guru sighed and rolled his eyes at me when I asked if we could stop off at the chemist that's open late. Said to me he was sure I could make time during the weekend to get them and he didn't want to have to make a detour on our way into the city.

Needless to say my week kinda went downhill from there and I've been struggling ever since. The smallest drama will have me either in tears or irrationally angry. I almost quit my job Saturday night because I was quickly spiraling down into the abyss.

I've still not got my script re-filled. And when my Mum came to pick up the Toddler for her regular Sunday night sleep over, tonight, she knew instantly something was wrong. So she found my script and is re-filling it for me because she knows I won't.

I'm already at the point now where my brain is telling me that I'm not worth it and the Guru knows I'm not. That I should just kill myself and make him happy, able to start over with someone who is normal and not a fucking lunatic like me. That our daughter would be better off with a different Mummy and my parents would be better off with no child at all, rather than a only child who is a psycho.

It's surprised me that I've gone downhill so fast, but then I've not been sleeping because the never ending thoughts keep me awake, and I've been under a lot of stress. No wonder they use sleep deprivation and stress as forms of torture. I'd buckle in a night.

So I have finally popped online for the first time this week, and I've seen lots of lovely Blogger's listing their Christmas List for Father Christmas. To be honest, I've loved reading them and they've been a wonderful distraction from the doom and gloom in my head. And as a result I've decided to write my own list to try and pick myself up while I'm waiting for my sanity tablets.

FYI, this week I'm going to do this list as part of my 50 Days of Christmas, but without the linky part.

So here I go...






Dear Father Christmas,

This year I've tried to be good. I really have tried. I know I've been intolerant of GPs claiming money from my budget when they earn more in a day than I do in a month and I know I've been very, very impatient of other people on the road.

I'm well aware that if the wind had changed at any time, my middle finger would be permanently up.

But all that aside, I do have a couple of small things I'd really like to put forward for your consideration.

1. A very happy, simple, Christmas day. Last year was so complicated with the Guru's mother dictating who and who couldn't come to Christmas. Even though it was in our home. And my parents spent most of Christmas Day alone as a result and it broke my heart. So this year, I would like a simple day where we are all together and that's it.

2. To bring the Toddler everything on her list. We'll be working hard to cover things, but if you could cover the leftover's that'd be awesome. On the other hand, if we get it all covered - consider it our present to you - one less list to have to worry over! But I recommend you stop in for a snack anyway...the Toddler want's to go all out for you and the reindeer this year.

3. For the new pool pump to be installed. We have the pump and everything, but the Guru hasn't exactly got it installed. And after spending $700 on getting the pool water to swimming grade, seeing to green once again makes me want to cry. And I felt that way before this week so I know it's not just my brain being dramatic. I'd happily settle for you taking control of the Guru's body and getting him out there - and you won't need to say anything, if the job get's done I'll know it's you.

4. For me to get a new job. I now this request might be stretching the friendship, but if you could put in a good word for me at the job section in the Life department, I'd really appreciate it. I'm sick of the unpaid overtime, the stress, and the ungrateful, highly paid bastard GPs that I have to deal with every day. I want something 9-5, that when I go home I don't have to think about anything work related until I walk through the door at 8:59am the next day.

5. For our renovations to go well over the Christmas break. Particularly the window removal and new wall. We're in the wet season so if the window removal and wall installation fails then we'll be living in an elevated swimming pool. But I guess then the gaps in our floor boards would be an advantage??

6. For the Guru to agree to carpet in the bedrooms. I miss carpeted bedrooms...something from South Australia that I really want to have up here. Apart from David Jones and Myer. The Guru says no...but I've found some amazing carpet and I love it. I'll agree to new floorboards everywhere else and tiling where necessary, if you just get the carpet thing happening. Feel free to leave a roll under the tree - the Guru can't argue if it's already in the house.

7. And finally...I'd really love it if you could help everyone who needs help this Christmas. Everyone should feel safe, happy and know that they're loved because everyone deserves those things all the time, especially at Christmas.

The Toddler will be leaving a raw energy salad and water for the reindeer (I'll make sure there's extra water...it's stinking hot here, this time of year) and we're leaving Tim Tam's and milk for yourself. I'll leave the air-con on too so if you all want to come inside and cool down before continuing on your trip, feel free.

The population hit 7 billion this year so I know you're job is getting bigger by the second, but I want you to know you've always done a fantastic job and you make the world a wonderful place for children around the world. Even for the adults, too.

Take care and thanks for reading,

PND Awareness Week 13-17 November 2011

Never be afraid to Speak Up.

I did.

And there are so many other voices, just like mine.

It doesn't make you a 'bad parent' or a 'bad person'.

It makes you human - none of us are perfect.

The dark can be so endless.

Add your voice; add another light.

Together, we'll find the sun.



 

www.justspeakup.com.au

www.beyondblue.org.au

3 Words Can Change The World...

It's amazing the power of words. They can move us in so many ways, and it's extraordinary.

I often wonder that words have so much power in our world, and yet we forget just how powerful they can be.

Abraham Lincoln, Winston Churchill, Martin Luther King and Shakespeare knew the power of words. They used words the best way they knew how and changed the world, even if they didn't realise it at the time.

September 15 is your chance to use words to change the world. You don't have to abolish slavery or write a sonnet that will be treasured throughout history. All you have to do is ask one small question. You may just be the catalyst for someone's life to take a different path.

You may already know something's not right. You may not. The point is, it doesn't matter what you do or don't already know - it's about what 3 words might bring into the open.

You only need to listen. There's no obligation to solve the problem. Those 3 words from you are simply to start a conversation. A simple chat to let someone know you care and that help is nearby.

Take it from me - as someone who has a tendancy to bottle things up - those 3 small words have given me a light during the darkest moments in my mind.

So on 15 September open your heart and your ears and ask someone 'R U OK?'. You never know just how powerful words can be...until they change a life.





 

For more information on R U OK? Day visit http://www.ruokday.com.au/

For immdiate help call LifeLine on 13 11 14 or the Suicide CallBack Service on 1300 659 467



Helplines & Information

SANE Australia Helpline: Mental Health information, weekdays 9am-5pm: 1800 187 263

headspace: Mental Health Services and Support for young people 12-25 years

beyondblue Info Line: Information about depression, anxiety and related disorders: 1300 224 636

Black Dog Institute: Information about depression and bipolar disorder