Sometimes I need a filter between my brain and my mouth.
This is not the way to get one.

Sunday, 27 November 2011

Dear Father Christmas...

Apologies for not having posted this week.

It started out a bit of a mess when my boss went on leave and all the lunatics descended on me. They were obviously waiting for her to run off and get married so they could pounce on the weak one.

I also had to run a Remote Emergency Skills Training course this weekend. Picture 15 GPs in a room with 7 experts on remote emergency training and 2 admin people tying to make sure everyone had their laryngoscopes, that the defibrillator machine worked and all the simulation/CPR dummies were in full working order (i.e. the trainer could stand there and make it cry/moan/scream/gasp for air etc...)

I even had to make sure the baby dummy's umbilical cord was inserted and able to be catheterised with blood and everything coming out of it.

It was a very stressful weekend and I wasn't even being assessed on my ability to keep someone alive. It was a good weekend to make sure I was taking my anti-depressants properly.

But I ran out of them on Tuesday. Meant to get them on the Thursday on our way to the hotel we were staying in while I was working, but the Guru sighed and rolled his eyes at me when I asked if we could stop off at the chemist that's open late. Said to me he was sure I could make time during the weekend to get them and he didn't want to have to make a detour on our way into the city.

Needless to say my week kinda went downhill from there and I've been struggling ever since. The smallest drama will have me either in tears or irrationally angry. I almost quit my job Saturday night because I was quickly spiraling down into the abyss.

I've still not got my script re-filled. And when my Mum came to pick up the Toddler for her regular Sunday night sleep over, tonight, she knew instantly something was wrong. So she found my script and is re-filling it for me because she knows I won't.

I'm already at the point now where my brain is telling me that I'm not worth it and the Guru knows I'm not. That I should just kill myself and make him happy, able to start over with someone who is normal and not a fucking lunatic like me. That our daughter would be better off with a different Mummy and my parents would be better off with no child at all, rather than a only child who is a psycho.

It's surprised me that I've gone downhill so fast, but then I've not been sleeping because the never ending thoughts keep me awake, and I've been under a lot of stress. No wonder they use sleep deprivation and stress as forms of torture. I'd buckle in a night.

So I have finally popped online for the first time this week, and I've seen lots of lovely Blogger's listing their Christmas List for Father Christmas. To be honest, I've loved reading them and they've been a wonderful distraction from the doom and gloom in my head. And as a result I've decided to write my own list to try and pick myself up while I'm waiting for my sanity tablets.

FYI, this week I'm going to do this list as part of my 50 Days of Christmas, but without the linky part.

So here I go...

Dear Father Christmas,

This year I've tried to be good. I really have tried. I know I've been intolerant of GPs claiming money from my budget when they earn more in a day than I do in a month and I know I've been very, very impatient of other people on the road.

I'm well aware that if the wind had changed at any time, my middle finger would be permanently up.

But all that aside, I do have a couple of small things I'd really like to put forward for your consideration.

1. A very happy, simple, Christmas day. Last year was so complicated with the Guru's mother dictating who and who couldn't come to Christmas. Even though it was in our home. And my parents spent most of Christmas Day alone as a result and it broke my heart. So this year, I would like a simple day where we are all together and that's it.

2. To bring the Toddler everything on her list. We'll be working hard to cover things, but if you could cover the leftover's that'd be awesome. On the other hand, if we get it all covered - consider it our present to you - one less list to have to worry over! But I recommend you stop in for a snack anyway...the Toddler want's to go all out for you and the reindeer this year.

3. For the new pool pump to be installed. We have the pump and everything, but the Guru hasn't exactly got it installed. And after spending $700 on getting the pool water to swimming grade, seeing to green once again makes me want to cry. And I felt that way before this week so I know it's not just my brain being dramatic. I'd happily settle for you taking control of the Guru's body and getting him out there - and you won't need to say anything, if the job get's done I'll know it's you.

4. For me to get a new job. I now this request might be stretching the friendship, but if you could put in a good word for me at the job section in the Life department, I'd really appreciate it. I'm sick of the unpaid overtime, the stress, and the ungrateful, highly paid bastard GPs that I have to deal with every day. I want something 9-5, that when I go home I don't have to think about anything work related until I walk through the door at 8:59am the next day.

5. For our renovations to go well over the Christmas break. Particularly the window removal and new wall. We're in the wet season so if the window removal and wall installation fails then we'll be living in an elevated swimming pool. But I guess then the gaps in our floor boards would be an advantage??

6. For the Guru to agree to carpet in the bedrooms. I miss carpeted bedrooms...something from South Australia that I really want to have up here. Apart from David Jones and Myer. The Guru says no...but I've found some amazing carpet and I love it. I'll agree to new floorboards everywhere else and tiling where necessary, if you just get the carpet thing happening. Feel free to leave a roll under the tree - the Guru can't argue if it's already in the house.

7. And finally...I'd really love it if you could help everyone who needs help this Christmas. Everyone should feel safe, happy and know that they're loved because everyone deserves those things all the time, especially at Christmas.

The Toddler will be leaving a raw energy salad and water for the reindeer (I'll make sure there's extra's stinking hot here, this time of year) and we're leaving Tim Tam's and milk for yourself. I'll leave the air-con on too so if you all want to come inside and cool down before continuing on your trip, feel free.

The population hit 7 billion this year so I know you're job is getting bigger by the second, but I want you to know you've always done a fantastic job and you make the world a wonderful place for children around the world. Even for the adults, too.

Take care and thanks for reading,

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