Sometimes I need a filter between my brain and my mouth.
This is not the way to get one.

Wednesday, 31 August 2011


I got my driver licence renewal in the post yesterday. I'm somewhat excited because it means I can get a new photo.

A new photo is optional for most people - for me, it's NECESSARY.

The day I got my licence photo taken I had an unfortunate experience with a straightening iron, humidity and hair that will always fight any form of straightening action.

I looked like an extra from Hairspray. Who did her own hair. In the dark. With vodka.

And you know it's bad when people requiring you to produce ID spend a looooooong time looking at it and then decide that it couldn't possibly be you. It's obviously a crappy shot of your Nanna, from 1960, you've glued on.

Because, you know, when you have options you totally glue your Nan to your fake ID, rather than Beyoncé.

Although BeyoncĂ©'s grandkids will totally be gluing her to their fake ID's. Do you think she get's all glammed up before having her drivers licence photo taken? But those cameras they use at the MVR aren't exactly built for quality, so even twelve inches of pancake batter foundation and eight layers of false eyelashes won't help...

I swear this is the camera they have at the MVR!'re still gonna look like John Travolta in drag...

Personally I don't know why they don't allow you to go have a glamour photo shoot, bring in your favourite 3 shots, and then discuss with them over coffee which once would look best miniaturised next to your name and address.

I could totally see the number of licence-less drivers in Darwin dropping significantly, if a bit more glamour was put into the process. Sure as hell beats being shuffled along like cattle until you're standing in front of a white wall and you're sure the person in front of you is either going to shoot an arrow into your eyeball or, possibly, take your photo.

You're grateful it's a photo rather than an arrow, but you have to spend 20 minutes stumbling around trying to find a seat because the flash has burnt your corneas off and your retinas are screaming at you.

And then you a presented with your freshly beaming tortured face leaping out at you from a piece of plastic that's printed, out the back, on a Canon Bubble Jet Printer. You know you started out with a (scared) smile, but that first flick of the flash started the burning sensation in your eyeballs and the MVR employee chose the moment you were screaming "My Eyes!!" to take your picture.

Because they have fabulous photography skills, like that.

But I think I have the system beat, and I've hatched a plan. My theory goes that if I make an effort, my photo will end up like a pigs bum again. So, by rights, if I make no effort, wear my pyjamas, have bed hair and don't bother to brush my teeth, I'll have the drivers licence photo to beat them all!

Wish me luck - I'll let you know how it goes.

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