Food, Glorious Food...

Except food's not glorious. Well, not at the moment, and not for me.

Food is a pain in my arse. Why? Because food is too freakin' hard, that's why.

I feel like my whole life revolves around food, and not in a good way. I feel like I spend all my time thinking about food - through deciding what to give the Toddler for breakfast, what to pack for lunch, what will I eat if I don't take lunch, what are we having for dinner, do I have to take anything out for dinner, do I have all the crap I need to make dinner etc etc etc.

I honestly wish we had a cook. Just a cook. I'd happily clean and cover all areas of domestic goddess-ness if I didn't have to think about food. Or cooking the food.

Besides, everything tastes better if someone else has gone to all the effort.

My GP tells me that I have to revisit my diet - that it's not good.  My blood tests came back a shambles, and apparently I have the vitamin D levels of a person who has never been outside. Ironic considering where we live, the number of times I've been sunburnt this year and the number of play dates that include swimming in unshaded pools.

I don't really see the issue with my diet - not eating breakfast, living on coffee, snacking all day and then going home to the easiest dinner available and then continuing to snack well into the night has done WONDERS for my waistline.

In fact, it's never been so big. Winning! Or not.

The mysterious thing is that the Toddler has the best diet in the world. I just can't seem to apply the same principles to myself. It all seems too hard if applied to me. For the Toddler, I'll do whatever I have to.

She has fruit and yoghurt for breakfast, a sandwich and fruit at lunch and dinner is either some pasta, or meat and veg or even a facy baked potato with yummy filling. She snacks on sultanas, blueberries, strawberries and rice crackers during the day. She always asks for water and that's what I give her. Sometimes she'll ask for cordial and I'll make her some.

It tastes like water...but it has a bit of colour to it, and that makes her happy.

The only difference is day care days where she gets more elaborate meals during the day because they have a COOK. I mean, they have all sorts of great lunches and snacks, all made from scratch and organic.

See what I mean, a cook can make life so much better!

The poor Guru ends up being served whatever I can be bothered scraping together for the adults of the house. Hence we are both sporting waistlines that aren't anything to be proud of.

His family regularly point this out to us. They are blunt about it. It pisses me off.

I know the reality - guess what, calling me fat to my face won't make me feel good enough about myself to change that fact, so how about you shut your pie-hole?

I just can't quite figure out when food became the enemy. I mean, I've never been small. The smallest I've ever been was a size 10, and that was when I was 17-18 years old and in the midst of a depressive episode. I stopped eating altogether, so naturally I shrunk.

When I have really bad days of hating myself, I wish I could go back to that dark place, just long enough to 'get skinny'. Ha. As if I have a control switch I can flick on and off to control my weight.

And that dark place isn't worth the weight loss.

I always felt good about myself when I was a size 12/14. Well, less critical anyway. Which, I believe, is the average size for an Australian woman, a healthy size and is an achievable goal.

Getting there is the challenge. But I have to do it.

We want to have another baby. And I want to be healthy and able to care for the family I have, and just feel good in my own skin again.

I have to get my shit together.

No if's, and's or but's. This is the way it is, and I am young and able enough to make the change.

I can do it.

And I'll do it for ME.

Without a cattle prod I'm hopeless...

So it looks like I'm going to bite the bullet and join a gym.

Oh god - just saying those words makes me feel a little uneasy. The thought of joining in a group of people all flexing and admiring their reflections in the floor to ceiling mirrors and discussing their steriod gym regimes.

I'm not the most confident person on the planet (hence the lack of auditions for any form of reality TV series), but I need to do this. I need to swallow my embarrassment and get my butt into gear.

And I need to do something for myself. I am going to be selfish and horrible, and take some time for myself. I don't like the way I look, and I don't like the way I feel. I want my clothes to fit properly again, rather than having a few key pieces and having a closet full of clothes I can look at. The zippers recoil in fear if I reach out to touch them. They don't want their precious shape to be wrecked by my hippo-like appearance.

Fair enough.

But the walking thing, while it;s great socially, isn;t really cutting it for my arse.

And I know that without someone there to push me, motivate me and encourage me I won't bother. Without the cattle prod looming over me I just won't try.

Also, the guilt of knowing I am paying for a gym membership will be enough to make me use it.

I've taken the first step and I've gone to collect the paperwork. It all looks quite sensible and clear. The gym limits it's membership to 100 people so there's no crowds and there's always equipment available. When I dropped past at 1:15pm today the place was empty...and the treadmills and steppers are set up at a panoramic window which overlooks the Arafura sea.

It's the gym with the best view I've ever seen! And I like the idea that sometimes I might be the only one in the room.

I couldn't see any mirrors which was also a huge plus in my book. And they have Pilates. Squee!!

So I'll pitch it to the Guru tonight and see how I go. Personally I think there shouldn't be any argument.

Last time I checked, he was buggering off to Bali for Easter. And once I have my membership to the gym, I'll be able to spend time on the treadmill thinking of the other things that will make us even.

Shape Up - Week 16 and a half: Back To It!!

So, I'm back on the bandwagon, and I'm starting up the walking again today with the girrrrrrrrrlfriends.

Part of me is pleased...and part of me is gripping the doorframe and clawing at the carpet in a desperate attempt to avoid being dragged outside and up and down hills.

But I have also made another decision.  This morning a presentation at our staff meeting from a work colleague got me excited.

Lyn runs the Activate NT program. And this year, I'm gonna join it. And I'm going to drag my girrrrlfriends and husband kicking and screaming to the sign up desk too.

I am going to use it as my jump start - so while walking is good, I'm going to be really kicking it up a gear with Activate NT.

And anyone out there in the Darwin/Palmerston area - I highly encourage you to consider this if you're looking to make 2011 a healthier year for you and your family. It's cost effective and fun!

And who knows - maybe it's the beginning of the healthier me I've been looking for.

Oh! And speaking of looking for myself...I have been very pleased to join BlogLove! Pop on over and take a look at Lucy's haven of blog-awesomeness :)

Shape Up - Week 14

Oh good grief - it's been 4 weeks since I last posted anything about getting in shape and about 5 weeks since I last did any deliberate exercise (although, if a bedroom romp counts then it's been about 9hrs since I last did deliberate s-exercise)...does gardening count? Because the Guru and I put some serious hours into digging out tree stumps and other awful plants from around our pool. We also went swimming a lot...

So maybe I haven't been as slack as I thought?

I have to admit though - I wasn't as naughty with food at Christmas as I thought I would have been. Tragically, it's been post Christmas that's been my biggest downfall.

And I blame it squarely on my lack of self control. And my renewed love of baking. Particularly the fact that I can produce a cheesecake that would make Martha Stewart spew green rivers of jealousness.

Image

I have discovered that having cheesecake after dinner every night is NOT the best way to lose weight. Which is a shame, because it's absolutely DIVINE!

Could someone please explain to me why bad food seems so much tastier, and why good food is so not? Actually, it's not even that - it's more that I find it so boring!

Image

I mean, honestly - why doesn't someone make a block of chocolate that has the exact dietary requirements of a person? I would then happily eat it over a day...hell, I could scoff it in a matter of minutes! I want easy to prepare food to taste good and be healthy. Is that too much to ask?

I can drink water, I can take vitamins and I can get off my arse and lug it around in an attempt to shrink it.

What I can't do is accept that good food has to be so completely crap-tacular and unimaginative.

Or is it more that I am unimaginative with food...? I suppose at the end of the day food is what I make it - if I look at something and think it looks boring, why don't I do something about it? I'll tell you why - because I'm too damn tired, that's why.

Okay, so I'm probably tired because I don't eat properly, and I don't eat properly because I'm too tired. It's a vicious cycle that never stops and it won't stop until I choose to stop it.

And maybe that day is today...maybe it will be tomorrow. Who knows - changing one's life is never easy and it won't happen in the blink of an eye. I won't magically wake up tomorrow morning and decide that I love tofu, peas and soy beans, and more importantly I have to realise that being healthy doesn't mean loving these items either.

It's about everything in moderation - and taking small steps until it becomes second nature to make a choice that I wouldn't have even considered 6 months ago.

There is a way of getting enjoyable flavours, textures and combinations into good food...I will find the combination that best suits me and use it.

Who knows, maybe today has been the first baby step towards a better attitude and relationship with food.

Shape Up - Week 10

I had a sense of impending doom last night - tossing and turning and not quite able to put my finger on the problem.

Then, at 2am it occured to me - I need to measure myself and post the results on here...TODAY.

And then I thought back over the past week - the lack of excersise (again) and the not so wise food choices.

I was torn between wanting to cry over my failure and wanting to hook the vacuum up to suck all the fat out through my belly button.

I'll stop procrastinating now, and I'll reveal my dismal week...I didn't have the courage to refresh my memory for last week's results until now...

Bust - 104.5cm (0.5cm UP from Week 9)

Waist - 94cm (1cm DOWN from Week 9 - a miracle!)

Hips - 116cm (NO CHANGE from Week 9)

Arms - 39cm (0.5cm UP from Week 9)

Thighs - 71.5cm (NO CHANGE from Week 9)
 
Overall, not as bad as I was anticipating - but still not good. It's this behaviour that got me where I am now.
 
Shame girl - feel the shame burn and get your big butt on that treadmill!!

(Shape Up Week 9) "Deck the Halls...

...with lots of parcel delivery cards, fa-la-la-la-la...la-la-la-la!"

Yeah - got a package yesterday! Wasn't the one I was expecting though - but it was still FABULOUS!

The wonderful people who Mrs Woog told HAD to send me a copy of Corrine Grant's new book 'Lessons in Letting Go: Confessions of a Hoarder' finally coughed up and my book arrived!

What made it even more wonderful was that it took care of so many of my favourite things right now...

1. Parcel Delivery Card? CHECK

2. Pleasant Surprise? CHECK

3. Reminding me that I still know how to read books other than 'Spot Goes to School'? CHECK!

So thank you Mrs Woog (oh, and the loverly people at Allen & Unwin) - you've restored my faith in the Carrier Pigeon Delivery Service of Darwin.

And so - on to Shape Up Week 9!!

This week has been a catastrophic flop. No motivation combined with festive event after festive event has meant this week was a total pffft on the shape up scale of success.

I've tried hard to not eat too many of the wrong things, but I admit I'm feeling it for not having got off my backside and gone for a walk. I feel sluggish and tired and just all 'round 'eugh'

But anyway - I remembered to bring my tape measure to work (yeah, classy huh?) so here are my measurements for this week:

Bust - 104cm (NO CHANGE from Week 7)

Waist - 95cm (2.5cm DOWN from Week 7...yeah! eat that week 7!)

Hips - 116cm (NO CHANGE from Week 7)

Arms - 38.5cm (1cm DOWN from Week 7)

Thighs - 71.5cm (3cm DOWN from Week 7)
 
Overall a surprising result! Trust me, as soon as I get my stunned eyebrows off the ceiling I will be double checking my measurements...
 
As for exercise - well, the Guru and I are making a concerted effort to make this month really 'count' in terms of TTC, so maybe that's helping?
 
Who knows...but I am hoping dearly to be able to gain weight in 2011 for all the right reasons.
 
Anyway, I better finish this up and get back to work. I am currently waiting for one of my doctors to come and collect his sacred pink stethoscope from me.
 
I'd totally steal it but the hysterical phone call today gave me the heads up he'd very much like it back.
 
Shame.

Shape Up - Week 8

Oh god - in 40 mins I am due to meet Guuuurlfriend for a gym session.

What I'd really rather do is go to the shop, grab a coke, a Crunchie bar and veg at my desk with the collection of catalogues and gossip mags I've accumulated (I am a catalogue whore...I love them and the potential spending power they have over me...).

Maybe I'll do that anyway - after I've hoofed my butt up a steep hill with my cheeks flapping in the wind as the g-force rips them from my face.

But by then it will feel like I've put in all that effort for nothing.

But I want to eat it - I don't care - but I do care - I don't want to eat it...

WHY ARE HABITS SO HARD TO BREAK!? Why does caffeine and sugar in all it's red-labeled, fizzy glory have such a hold over me?

Why do Crunchie bars have to look longingly at me as I pass them by?

Why does the fact that I'm getting results, and I am starting to see them in myself, not help to motivate me right now?

Why am I not a tofu eating, yoga doing, tree hugging, vegetarian hippie-type with not even a hint of cellulite??

Why?

Because I love coke and Crunchie bars. And if I ate tofu outisde of a Thai noodle dish I think my mouth would close over and lose faith that I could choose food for myself anymore, and the job needs to be designated to a more responsible adult.

Okay...now it's 32 minutes until I have to go...

And I've not done my measurements again this morning, so I will have to update either tonight or tomorrow.

It all depends on how shagged I am after putting up the Christmas Tree tonight.

Alright, I'm going...really, I am...

And I may or may not walk past the shops.

Shape Up - Week 7 (with some disturbing girly content)

Pfft - yeah, there's a great gaping hole between week 2 and 7, but whatever.

Well chicklets, I am still hoofing it with the girrrrrlfriend 3 times a week at lunch - and as for physical difference I don't think I've found one yet.

I keep searching for extra space between my blubber and the seams of my clothing, but so far I've failed to notice anything worth reporting.

As for measurements - They're up to date as of 24/11/10!

Bust - 104cm (5cm DOWN from Week 2)

Waist - 97.5cm (3.5cm UP from Week 2...what the...?)

Hips - 116cm (3cm DOWN from Week 2)

Arms - 39.5cm (0.5cm UP from Week 2...dammitt!)

Thighs - 74.5cm (1.5cm DOWN from Week 2)

Overall, a not too shabby effort I think!
 
And guess what's the same from Week 2? That's right! I have PMS again!
 
Oh freakin' joy.
 
I'm telling you, I am going to be bustin' a move in the bedroom as often as it takes to get a BFP in December...so my comment yesterday of presents equaling sex for the Guru may be obsolete.
 
However that doesn't mean wrapping some paper towel and shoving it under the tree will pass as a thoughtful gift.
 
I don't actually know of anywhere that paper towel is regarded as a thoughtful gift.
 
And speaking of paper towel - how is it that having your period and going about your daily business is fine until you want to exercise?
 
Almost as soon as I've put my sneakers on I suddenly feel like I have a surfboard made of paper towel in my knickers that's actually waving in the breeze behind me as I walk.
 
They may be super thin but as soon as you start any activity that requires you to move your legs faster than a stroll, it feels like everything is being shuffled past your bum and out the top of your pants.
 
I look even more stupid than ususal walking down the road trying to check out my pants and any potential waving paper towel, but not look like I'm obviously trying to check out my pants and potential waving paper towel.
 
We're totally going to have to leave this town soon - it's getting embarrassing.

Buns of Steel

Oh yeah - I bunned it today. We went for a power walk up and down the Esplanade, overlooking the ocean.

That bit was freakin' awesome.

The bun burning occurred when we walked down and up a hill that, even at slow speeds, gave this effect:



Pic from here


So on top of my buns of steel, I will also never need that facelift.

Shape Up - Week...

...okay, so it's been a while since I popped in an update about this.

And excuses aside (emotional turmoil, sick kidlet, more turmoil, man-flu sufferer sympathy requirements, Christmas hyperventialition) I have been trying to be good.

Seriously!

It's amazing how feeling emotionally wrought can help your appetite.

Now, I don't have any measurement's to share - so I'm sorry about that. But I will have new measurements to share next week (and if there is a higher power, now would be the time to strike my hips and thighs with lightning!!)

But I do have a development to share with you all today.

And no, I'm not getting lipo (although if a cosmetic surgeon is trolling blogs looking for someone to do an extreme makeover on...) but...

I'VE STARTED GOING TO THE GYM!

Yep, those words even stun me. Ever since I was 39 weeks pregnant my daily exercise regime consisted of walking up and down the front steps of our house if I had to do washing. Otherwise it was a matter of heaving myself off the couch to visit the loo, the fridge, the pantry, back to the loo and then the couch for a bit longer.

So when a friend of mine said her work provides a gym in her building for the employees (I gotta get a Government job, Government funded is just shite in comparison) and that she would buzz me into the fortress of Governmental workers to attend with her - FOR FREE - I did a jig.

Now, I work for a health organisation. And I'll admit I am one of the biggest girls here. But that's because I'm not a coffee swilling, cigarette eating, diet pill chugging lunatic. Okay, well I'm a coffee swilling lunatic, but that's as hard core as I get.

My team leader is a wonderful role model - she goes to the gym 3-5 times a week and eats well but still goes out and has fun and eats yummy food when she's out to dinner. She's happy! And I'll admit, her example is inspiring for many reasons and it is my mission to drop a bit of weight but overall start to feel good about myself again.

To have that spring in my step...



Pic from here

 Because currently I look like this when I drag myself to my desk in the morning...



Pic from here

 But the trick is to remember that my display of gym-based total un-coordinated dorkishness...



Pic from here

 Will lead me to being more like this...

Pic from here

Oh yeah, I'm gonna have buns of steel that I can use to open jar lids, baby!

Shape Up - Week 2 Results

Shit - another week and another exercise fail.

Well, that's okay, it's just one more thing I can add to the 'PMS list of things that are ticking me off right now'.

I'll add it under item #1 - PMS!

Anyway, moving on to the measurement's for this week...

Bust - 109cm (No Change)

Waist - 94cm (2cm DOWN from last week) 

Hips - 119cm (No Change)

Arms - 39cm (No Change)

Thighs - 76cm (0.5 DOWN from last week)

I've decided the lack of change is due to being bloated and hormonal. Which has led to chocolate indulgence and lot's of movies and books which make me cry. Why do I choose to do this, you ask? Well, if I've watched a sad movie or read a sad book or something with applicable chocolate then it makes the hormonal up's and down's of this patch more acceptable in my mind.

Just being hormonally unhinged seems too uncontrolled for my liking. I prefer to believe I have the upper hand with my hormones, no matter how delusional the idea is.

And so, I move on to another week. And I'll be honest - exercise is the last thing I'll be looking to do. There is nothing less attractive than a lumpy woman running up and down stairs in yoga pants than a lumpy woman running up and down stairs in yoga pants with the distinctive outline of a 'surfboard' in her visible panty line.

And with that, I'll leave you to ponder that charming mental image...just tell your therapist I sent you ;-)

Shape Up - Week 1 Results

So here I am at the end of week 1. And it's been okay. Have done better with portion size and haven't eaten as much rubbish (there was still some involved this week), but I totally failed at the exercise bit.

There was none. And there's no point in saying otherwise.

But I'm going to try and work on that this week and keep going with the positive vibe.

Anyway, on to the nitty, gritty. Measurements end of week 1 are:

Bust - 109cm (5cm UP from last week)

Waist - 96cm (4cm DOWN from last week...so - it went to my bust!?)


Hips - 119cm (No Change)

Arms - 39cm (1cm DOWN from last week...and that went to my bust too apparently!)

Thighs - 76.5cm (1cm UP from last week)

I should probably mention that I finally got a proper measuring tape and I asked my Mum to measure me to ensure accuracy this week (since last week taught me that metal tape measures and DIY measuring totally suck). And you may have noticed that there's no mention of weight. Well, that's because I've decided this is not about how much I weigh, this is about how I feel and how my clothes fit.

My entire life my weight has always given a BMI higher than it should have been for my height and age, but at my thinnest I looked amazing and yet the BMI chart said I was technically overweight. Even my GP said it was full of shit.

So scales and BMI's can kiss my chunky butt because they will no longer tell me how I feel. I know how I feel and how I want to feel. And that's all that matters.

Shape Up, Princess.

So...when did you decide enough was enough?

It seems a lot of people are on this bandwagon - and it looks as though I'm next.

Time to shape up, Princess.

My friend Tam asked me today if everything was alright. Seems that my post about wanting to return to the homeland was a bit unsettling. At the time I couldn't put it into words...what this invisible pull is to want to return. But after a big chat with my Mum tonight I seem to have come upon the answer.

All things aside (friends, family, familiarity etc) the main crux of it is that Adelaide holds memories of my youth. Adelaide is, or was as the case may be, 'the place'. The place where I got regular manicures, pedicures, facials, hair appointments and gourmet coffee every morning. Where I shopped for shoes and clothes...both in sizes I was proud to wear. I was confident and walked down the street looking at people...not the pavement.

Quite frankly, I didn't give a toss what anyone thought. I was happy to be me.

A part of my brain, which creates insane impulses to leap a plane to Adelaide suddenly, and in complete contradiction to the other half of me (when it sweeps over me at work I look like I'm having a epileptic fit at my desk - the top half of my body lurching forward over my desk, trying to run outside, grab a taxi and rush to the airport - the lower half a dead weight, waiting for sanity to return to the top half) thinks that if I return to this land of never ending youth, shopping and pampering I will return to the size 10, 17 year old I used to be.

Yeah - trust me, it sounds as stupid typing it out as it does when you read it.

I know going back to Adelaide won't turn back time. It'd be freakin' awesome - but it's not going to happen.

So, in order to feel less like a giant heffalump and more like a person I need to get off my butt and get it sorted.

Because as much as Adelaide had all those things - the reality was that I was living at home, I had no bills, I could spend money on all sots of crap because I had no responsibility other than making sure I grabbed my coffee on the way to work so I could earn more money to maintain my flighty lifestyle.

I was not married, I didn't have a mortgage, I didn't have a baby and I didn't have to fit in full time employment and maintain a household in the meantime.
And those are things I wouldn't want to give up - not even to be a size 10 again.

What I DO want is a routine that I can maintain. And I want to be an active parent - not one who sits on the sidelines because she can't keep up. I'm not there yet, but I'm afraid of it happening down the track.

So here I am, admitting to you all that I am NOT happy with my appearance, and that I am going to do something about it.

Which for me is big because having this out there means I actually have some sort of responsibility to actually follow through with it. Because if I don't I'll look like a total dork.

Now, I love what Good Golly Miss Holly has done. She gives you measurements and weight once a week. So I am going to flog her idea and do the same for you...I think it will make it easier...but I am going to change mine slightly to note total weight lost over the time. Because I am not going to focus on what I weigh. It is about shifting the weight and measurements shrinking. It's about my clothes fitting well again and wearing things I would love to but feel too heffer-like to wear.

So, I present to you...the bogan version of myself that dies today...

Total Weight Lost - 0kg

Bust - 104cm

Waist - 100cm

Hips - 119cm

Arms - 40cm

Thighs - 75.5cm

And in doing this exercise I've discovered that using a tape measure from the Guru's tool box may not be the best way to do it. All the same, I haven't estimated anything - I've typed out what the tape said.

I'm going to find my proper measuring tape I flogged from a doctor's convention...it's all doctor-ish and accurate. Or something like that.

So, there you have it. Me in all my heffer-ish glory.

I think I'm going to be sick.

So, tomorrow I will be getting the iPod and I'll be running up and down stairs until my legs burn...and then I'll either keep going or be in hospital with head injuries from tripping on my runners and falling to my doom.

Either way, there will be a loss. Of weight or blood - I'm not sure yet. But I'll keep you posted.