Sometimes I need a filter between my brain and my mouth.
This is not the way to get one.

Tuesday, 7 February 2012

The Road Not Taken...

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and I -
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

 ~ Robert Frost (1874-1963)

I studied this poem in year 12 English. And it struck me then as it does now. But back then, I was still trying to choose my road. I hadn't made a choice and was still hopping from one side of the T-junction to the other.

Trying to make 'the right choice'.

In 5 days I will be 28 years old - and in some ways I still feel like I'm standing at that T-junction, paralysed by fear that I'll go the wrong way. I'll make the wrong choice.

That I'll have regrets. That I'll fail at life.

In 28 years I've rarely been able to make a decision without consulting someone or something else. The Guru will tell you how I drive him insane with my constant flipping of coins, pillows, books, cards - anything that can be launched into the air and, by landing on one side or the other, can take away the burden of choice from me.

But I usually question the result thinking that perhaps fate has shown me the road not to take, and I should do the opposite of what the pillow chose? But then, what if I'm wrong, and I should take the pillow's advice?

See - I'm always putting myself in an endless loop of self-sabotage.

Am I taking the right road, or the wrong one?

Am I where I'm meant to be in life?

Am I completely insane for worrying about a pillow making the wrong life choices for me?

Am I completely insane for thinking that the pillow actually has any input?

I know life is really just a random series of events all tied together over a long period of time. I know that, while some things I can influence, a lot of what happens in my life is out of my control.

I want to be confident about the direction I'm taking. I want to feel like I know where I'm going. I want to give the T-juntion sign the finger and stride off in a specific direction, sure in myself that my choice is the right one. No matter what that choice is.

I get so annoyed with my crippling lack of self confidence - I know it holds me back, and as I get older I'm realising the only regret I'll have is that I didn't try.

So my mission this year is to try. To start little - I don't have to take on my whole life in 60 seconds - and do small projects that make me happy. Work on my self confidence. Be able to choose something at a restaurant and not wonder if I would have felt differently if I'd had the chicken instead of the fish.

And one day I might be brave enough to choose a road and not look back. And know that it made all the difference.



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