The Legend of the Great Dummy Extraction (and applicable sunburn)

Friday, 10 September 2010

It has begun. We have travelled to the shopping centre to gather supplies for tonight's fearful task. The Guru almost bailed on me in the car on the way. Saying he wasn't expecting the task to be started tonight. I huffed and puffed about being abandoned and left to do it on my own. He backpeddled and said I misunderstood. Whatever.

With the items in hand we head home. After we treat ourselves to some food court dinner. No point in trying to cook and be a terrible mother all in one night. Besides, the tenision and fear in anticipation of what the evening might bring is making my hands shake so badly my burger is being showered all over my lap. Shaking hands and trying to cook something at home will only end in tears. Mine.

So we got home in one piece...bath time is done as normal and everyone is enjoying themselves. During this time the dummies are collected. Including the secret stash we discovered under her mattress...just out of eye shot but within sneaky toddler reach.

We discuss further how the baby faeries need the dummies and that they will leave something special to say thank you. We put the bag on the table and say bye bye to the dummies. No tears, begging or anything yet. It's going well.

Bed time. We read eighty two million books. The Toddler can sense our fear. She's milking it. We're not stopping it. We continue reading until finally she's dozed off to the sound of her Daddy's voice and my hand gently stroking her hair.

We pick her up and place her in bed. Kiss her goodnight, make sure she's comfortable and head out. There's nothing....just silence.

Oh my god. It that it!? Seriously... What was I afraid of!? That was so EASY!

And then the silence is shattered by the call over the monitor..."Mummeeeeeeee....sob.....Dummmmeeeeeee" followed by all sorts of howling and wailing and calling. I re-enter the room many, many times, pick her up, rock her, try to soothe her.

Total. Mothering. Fail.

After 2 hours and a final desperate call to my Mum asking for moral support and some words of wisdom for us, a plan is made. The Guru runs to the bag on the table and retireves a dummy. I think he could have outrun the flash. But screaming children will do that to you.

We re-enter the doomsday cave Toddler's bedroom, and insert dummy into awaiting toddler mouth. With some Mummy cuddles the Toddler is asleep in seconds.

But once she is asleep and has spat out the dummy, we take it back.

10pm - All is well in our household. And Panadol is making a fortune out of the 2 of us.

Upon the silence I can only assume our neighbours decide against calling child services. They never showed up despite my paranoia. Cheers.

Saturday, 11 September 2010

The day starts bright with no dummies in sight. the Toddler is THRILLED with all the goodies left by the Faeries as a thank you. The Faeries may have gone overboard on the presents and the faerie dust the previous night...but the big girl faerie didn't care, it was just the silly big boy faerie who cried about possible glittery dust going everywhere. And getting on everything. And making boy clothes appear very cabaret-ish. Pffffft - boys.

We anticipate the challenge of a day time nap without a dummy. But have last night's plan ready for action if hysteria comes a'calling.

Nap time arrives...well, sneaks up on us. Happy toddler has gone and Demon toddler has arrived. With dark circles under her eyes and a wild look about her.

This could be bad on so many levels.

The bedroom is entered and we sit in her armchair and read stories. No dummies have been mentioned. By any of us.

It comes time for the sleeping part of the day. A slight whimper erupts from the Toddler's lips and I see the Guru flinch to stop himself from diving for the dummy he has stashed in his pocket...just in case...

Whimpering dies down and Mummy cuddles are requested and given. Steady breathing and snuffling sounds indicate the Toddler has dozed off. She is gently placed in her cot and we depart. Dummy still in the Guru's pocket.

I stand outside her door....waiting for the eventual cries over the monitor.

Silence....and more silence....and it continues. I assume now our neighbours have taken child services off their speed dial list. Again, thanks for that.

Fast Forward to Bed Time...

There is much discussion with the Toddler about how the faeries came and took her dummies. And the Baby Faeries now have them and love them. This discussion is started and ended at the Toddlers insistence.

We head to bed...stories are read...tickles given and more Mummy cuddles are administered. But we go to our cot awake and aware. And we say goodnight to Mummy and Daddy and roll over and close our eyes.

The Guru and I depart....we listen....we hear small chattering over the monitor..."baby faeries have dummies...close eyes...(yawn)...nye nye faeries...faerie cuddles..." and from there we had contented sleeping sounds.

Sunday 12 September 2010

Day 2 of dummy freedom. We head to the water park for a play date with friends, both big and small.

It's wonderful, watery, cool, breezy, fun day and we close it off by another visit to the shopping centre (because I have more money to spend...the Guru begs to differ but...pfffft, boys).

The Toddler has an afternoon nap and we chill out for a bit. All 3 of us head outside after naps and a late lunch/snack are complete and we clean the pool and do some tree hacking and laundry.

The afternoon as also uncovered a small side effect of the morning's watery activities. For the Guru and I at least.

While the Toddler was decked out in her sun smart everything and almost no patch of her skin was visible to sunlight and the patches that were visible were smothered in enough sunscreen to repair the hole in the Ozone layer, the Guru and I just....well....weren't. We paddled and frolicked and did everything...but without the slightest hint of sunscreen or even a hat.

Welcome to the world of Bitchin' Sunburn. We hope you enjoy your next week slthered in Aloe Vera After Sun Gel and crap sleep due to no comfortable sleeping positions being available.

You would think we'd learn. That we would remember the 2 days of our honeymoon spent in our hotel suite slathered in this green gel of death. That in sunscreening the Toddler we'd just pop some on ourselves.

Nope. Nothing. Nada.

Idiots.

And I will continue to curse the hole in the Ozone layer as I spray my aerosol's around, drive my car, use disposable nappies and put recyclable materials in the rubbish bin...right next to the bigger, less smelly recycling bin.

Maybe one day I'll learn...when they make sun smart swim wear for adults that doesn't make me look like I'm wearing a giant condom. That's unflattering. And when I say unflattering, I mean BESIDES the fact that I look like I'm wearing a condom. Because a condom is fine...but when it makes you look like your arse is actually 2 bull dogs in a burlap sack fighting eachother for space, well, that's just a whole new level of unflattering.

But I digress...

After everything it turns out the dummy wasn't the Mount Everest of Weaning I had thought it would be. And without being smug, I am eternally grateful that we appear to have a very accepting daughter who was ready to say goodbye to her dummies. The result would have been very different if we'd approached this at a bad time or if she wasn't ready. And we know that.

But to the Universe...and the baby faeires who made all of this possible...I thank you. It could have been truly terrible, but we remain with our family and our sanity intact.

Now if only I could find a comfy patch of un-seared skin to sleep on...