Sometimes I need a filter between my brain and my mouth.
This is not the way to get one.

Tuesday, 15 March 2011

Moses

Monday's are kind of blech, regardless of anything else going on. I always find it hard to accept that the working week has rolled around again after only 2 days that seem to travel at lightspeed.

But yesterday was the most crap-tacular day I've ever had.

Last night, on my way to the shops with my Mum, while backing down my parent's driveway, I accidentally ran over our cat.

I feel like the worst person on the planet - I froze when it happened because I didn't want it to be true. I thought if I just stopped for a moment then it would all rewind and I could start again.

I hardly slept last night because all I could see over and over again in my mind was Moses on the driveway.

I won't go into details because I can't think about it without sobbing and my work mates already think I've lost the plot. My family assure me it was quick and he would have felt nothing.

But somehow that's no comfort. At the end of the day I took his life, the life of a family member. Because Moses was a huge part of our family and I think it's going to be a long time before I can even think about forgiving myself.

It wasn't deliberate but it still feels so very wrong and awful. And when I woke up this morning I thought maybe it was just a really crappy dream. But when I went downstairs and looked at the car I knew it was true. And I hate the car now, hate what I did with it and I spent ages walking around the car and looking under it, trying to reassure myself that there was nothing I could hurt.

Reversing the car was stressful - between replaying the night before in my mind all I could think was that it'll happen again. I almost hyperventilated and I was shaking so hard I had to stop.

The sadness and guilt are so overwhelming I just want to hide.

I know people might think that Moses was only a cat and it could have been worse - it could have been a person. But for us he was a person and is very much loved and missed.

My Dad and The Guru buried Moses under a tree behind my parent's house. We tried to explain to the Toddler that Moses has gone to heaven. She asked if Moses was sad, and we assured her that he is very happy and is with her great-grandparents being taken care of.

I can't apologise enough to Moses or my parents for what I did. Being an accident doesn't make it any easier in my mind. I still feel like a very horrible person.

Moses, I hope you are safe and well wherever you are. We miss you so much and I am so sorry for what I did. You have been a steady part of our family, from the day we found you on the beach (hence your name) you have been adventurous and cheeky. I'm sure you had yourself convinced you were a dog - and hey, from a distance you looked like one! I know the Toddler always thought you were a horse, given her many attempts at riding you. But you took it all in your stride, and I never once saw you loose your temper with her. You were never a cuddly cat, but you always had time for the little one and you made us all smile with your quirks and character. We love you and will never forget you...rest in peace. xx

Straight to Your Inbox, Baby

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