Sometimes I need a filter between my brain and my mouth.
This is not the way to get one.

Tuesday, 19 July 2011

It's parenting, Jim, but not as I know it

We're going through a trying phase at the moment.

Clingy. Highly emotional. Irrational. High strung.

No, I'm not talking about me after an episode of Masterchef where the cry baby got a second immunity pin and should have had her butt served on a plate 10 episodes ago.

I'm talking about the Toddler.

She's hysterical no matter where she's going. To Nanna's house, to day care, even if I want to go to the toilet by myself!

If I'm not there and if her Daddy's not there, all hell breaks loose. And I'm about to lose my grip on reality.

I know it's a phase. I know she'll grow out of it.

But I still want to lock myself in a cupboard and curl in the foetal position blocking my ears and singing 'lalalalalalalalalalalalalalala' until it's all over.

I'm ashamed to admit this but I'm at the point where I'm using excuses not to go to work and staying home with her on day care days to avoid the drama. Because it's my fault. If I didn't work full time - hell, if I didn't work, full stop - she wouldn't have to go to day care.

I've tried it all. Reassurance, being calm, being firm, staying with her as long as I can, leaving quickly, letting her sleep where she chooses, being firm that she's a big girl and needs to sleep in her own bed, reward charts, praise and encouragement.

And when I say 'I', I mean 'I'. The Guru has the luxury of leaving at a dumb hour of the morning to get to work and getting home at an even dumber hour.

I'm pissed off about that - and being pissed off is not helping me get through this.

I feel guilty for that. He works full time and does everything he can to keep our family comfortable. He's just been promoted to a Department Manager, and I know it's demanding. So why do I feel like all that's not enough? It should be, right?

I feel so alone. I feel like I'm doing this on my own. And I don't like it.

But her behaviour. Oh, god, her behaviour. I blame myself for the tantrums. I blame myself for her not wanting to sleep in her own bed, for not being confident that, when I drop her off, I will come back. I tell her that all the time, I tell her that I will always come back.

I'm so tired all the time, I don't have the energy to always follow through. Tears and puppy dog eyes are enough for me to cave.

I'm ruining her. I had such a stern upbringing that now I'm afraid if I even raise my voice she'll have terrible memories like I do. I don't want her to look back on her childhood sadly - I want her to remember how it was always awesome.

I'm screwing it all up - it's such a mess and I have no one to blame but myself.

I'm so very, very tired. Tired of the tantrums. Tired of feeling damned if I do and damned if I don't. Tired of not knowing what to do. Tired of feeling lonely.

Just so damn tired.





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4 comments :

  1. I wish I had some answers ... I am of a fan of the 'this too shall pass' mantra, but there are some days when it's impossible to feel that things will be anything other than crazy, chaotic and bone-achingly tiring. Sending love and hope x

    ReplyDelete
  2. Finding the balance with discipline is hard, but I find its even harder to maintain the confidence in your choices. It's one of those cases where there is no wrong or right or magic answer. You know E better than anyone and only you can make those choices. Results? They can take years to show. They're so little and still learning and developing at a crazy pace. The situation is more than likely a phase.

    I stay at home with my two, but they still have meltdowns when I go. N especially gets massively dramatic when J or I leave. If she's awake at sixish when he leaves, the waterworks last ages. If he goes to the shop to grab something, it can last almost the length of his visit. When I go out, its just as bad. I've been known to cave and just take her with me.
    And we're in the musical beds phase. The one where the only place N will sleep after the hour of one am, is across J's pillow.

    Every phase ends. And if it doesn't? They eventually gain the skills to communicate the situation! And then its talked out.

    The tantrums lessen with age, as they learn to process and you know, actually sleep when they're tired.

    I wish I could be there to help and give you hand. :(

    Hugs.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thank you hun - I wish you were here too...I'd take us out for iced chocolates :) x

    ReplyDelete
  4. Thank you hun - I wish you were here too...I'd take us out for iced chocolates :) x

    ReplyDelete

Thanks for the comment - it helps validate the fact that I'm not just talking to myself.

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