Sometimes I need a filter between my brain and my mouth.
This is not the way to get one.

Thursday, 1 December 2011

10 Reasons I Have Road Rage...

I know this topic isn't new. Many of us have blogged about the behaviors of other road users that send us into a hysterical rage.

But today, I'm going to be venting my own. Because I can. And because flashing the bird to everyone who pisses me off isn't changing anything.

#1: You drive 5-50km/hr UNDER the speed limit. Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you? If you're unable to read speed limit signs then you probably shouldn't be driving at all. Generally cars are provided with a pedal that increases speed. If you're using foot power then you should be in the bike lane.

#2: Driving along with your indicator on. Thanks for giving me the heads up - but we're on a highway and unless you're giving advance notice of a trip into the trees, I need you to turn it off. I'm also wondering if you've been reading 'The Secret'. Trust me, thinking happy thoughts and then randomly swerving into the safety barriers won't make a new road magically appear. If it worked that way I'd have my own road, away from people like you.

#3: Napping at traffic lights. The light has gone green, now would be the time to start moving. You may have narcolepsy, but I'm wanting to get to the shops before they close, so drink more red bull and get going. If I have to sit behind you through 2 rotations of light changes, I am going to sit on my horn until you get out of my way.

#4: Speeding through school zones. It's amazing, when we're in an 80km/hr zone you'll travel at 40km/hr, but as soon as it's required for you to travel at 40 km/hr you hit the accelerator and leave scorch marks in your wake. Again, what is wrong with you!?

#5: Swerving from lane to lane. I'm not sure when indicators became an optional extra. The people in catergory 2 have the off switch as an optional extra (and chose not to have it) - but apparently you've decided indicators are redundant. I'm happy for you that you're telepathic and you know what everyone else on the road is doing, but I'm still waiting for the Government to install my telepath chip so I need you to tell me where you're going rather than just cutting me off.

#6: Not choosing a lane at all. See those pretty white lines, painstakingly put there by the road workers you try to kill while speeding through slow speed zones? Well, you'll notice they separate two large black areas - also know as lanes. The idea of driving is to choose one lane, and drive within it. Straddling the white line isn't generally acceptable road behaviour, nor is driving along ON the middle white line. But judging by all the scrape marks down both sides of your vehicle, staying within the lines isn't only something you can't achieve when colouring with your children.

#7: You're too cheap to buy fuel for your car. At least, that's what I'm thinking the problem is when you've practically hooked your car onto my rear bumper. I know fuel is expensive - but it's going to cost you a lot more when I slam on my brakes.

#8: Your lights are for decorative purposes only. Honestly, I love that you have dark blue glass with stars and butterflies rather than standard lighting. It's whimsical, girly and combined with the flirty 'Crazy Bitch' sticker on your rear window that's made from pink diamontes, it makes me want to spew. But, unless those butterflies are going to scream advance notice of you stopping, changing lanes or reversing, they are completely, fucking useless.

#9: Demonstrating the 'Bend and Snap' for your male passenger while driving. It's entertaining for those of us watching you, but it's all fun and games until someone loses a car panel.

#10: That, despite the number of times I yell at you, give you the bird or honk my horn, you continue to drive. Because you piss me off and when I rule the world, you will be the first people to incur my wrath.

Straight to Your Inbox, Baby

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