There, I said it. It's the elephant in the room at home, right now. Yesterday I kinda lost my shit because I didn't want to go back to work. Being crippled by the flu and germridden in bed for a week was more fun.
That's saying something.
I brought it up with the Guru yesterday, in the midst of a barrage of tears over none of my clothes fitting they way I want them to, again with him being on the computer if he's not working, feeling like rat shit and knowing that the Black Dog is using all of this as fuel for the fire.
I'm so tired. So tired of feeling this way. Pulled in too many directions, not enough time in a day and not having enough patience with Miss 3. Getting annoyed over things that don't matter, simply because the weekend is never long enough and I'm always battling the tide of fucking mess and disorganisation that is my life after a full week at work.
I get home and I blink - the clock has swung around to 7:30pm and I've not even got dinner on the table some nights.
I don't know how other Mum's do it. I can't silence that voice in my head that tells me I'm a failure as a parent for being at work, and I'm a failure as a employee for not being at work. I think I'm afraid I'll loose part of myself.
If I'm not working and earning money, what value do I have at home or in society?
My Mum has always worked. When I was a child, she used to work at the local abbatoir splitting sheep skulls and extracting the brains or removing the offal from the sheep bodies. She worked nights and it was good money. She was home during the day for me.
She taught me to always be independant.
Growing up with an example like my Mum, I feel like I'm failing her by not wanting to be the all-encompassing-full-time-working-mumma. But I don't. And I can't escape that. Deep down, I don't want to be where I am.
But being a SAHM scares me too.
Does that mean I won't be 50% of the marriage anymore? Will I have to ask permission to use money because I'm not earning it? How will I feel if someone asks me what I do and they roll their eyes at me when I say I'm a SAHM? Because I don't cope well with the horrified looks on people's faces when I tell them that I'm a working Mum - it makes me want to slap them and yell 'Don't Judge Me!'.
And I'm sure SAHM's want to do the same thing when they're judged for choosing family over a career.
For the moment our budget requires that I work. Not necessarily full time, but I need to provide an income of some sort. Once some things are paid off, my hours could drop more.
My dream is not to return to work after baby #2 - use up my maternity leave benefit from work, use the Government leave option and then cash in my long service leave. I'll have about 18months paid time off. And then I'll simply resign.
But until then I need to do something. As things are now I'm feeling run down and trapped in a never ending cycle that I hate, yet taking that first step is daunting.
I know I'm most likely over thinking it - I've been stewing all week and the more I stew, the more the Black Dog throws his 2 cents into the conversation and things start to spiral out of control.
I'm really looking for feedback from other parents - those who work and those who don't. I need to hear your stories and know that what seems impossible now, is not only possible, but wonderful.
