Sometimes I need a filter between my brain and my mouth.
This is not the way to get one.

Tuesday, 21 September 2010

Hi, my name is kel, and I am a shop-a-holic.

I knew it was going to had to, it was all too good.

Know that awesome feeling when you're confident about the amount in your bank account and haven't bothered to keep track of what you've spent?

Know that gut dropping feeling when you realise you might have gone overboard?

Know that gut dropping feeling when you suddenly realise there's not as much in there as you'd hoped?

Know that gut dropping feeling when you start to think that there won't be enough to cover expenses?

Know that feeling when you can't take back the stuff you've bought?

Yeah - that's where I am. And yeah, I could kick myself.

Budgeting has never been my 'thang' and I don't think it ever will be. Days like today make me go home in 'Terminator-Budget-Maker-Hard-Arse-Money-Freak' mode, but it only lasts a couple of weeks, and then when things are rosy again I just forget everything.

And then I wind up back here.

Because for some reason my brain doesn't connect the whole 'being budget aware' and the resulting good fortune to have money to pay bills.

Damn my shopping-addiction.

I use the excuse that as long as the Guru smokes, then I can splurge every now and then. And usually when I go into Terminator mode I make him swear he'll give up and stop smoking all our money. Because, you know, it's all him - it's got nothing to do with the tonnes and tonnes of bags I bring home from the shopping centre.

Nope. Not me. All him.

I tell him that for every cigarette he lights, I'm going to flush $5 down the loo. Yeah, well, if I hadn't spent that $5 at the shopping centre then I could. But I don't. And I wouldn't. Even if I could - because that's $5 and I have shopping to be done. And who has cash these days - it's all plastic!

And the sad thing is, it's not like I'm strutting around hanging out at Cue and Portmans and stuff (yeah, no flashy labels here in Darwin) - I'm usually doing food shops....for food we already have...or popping into the kids shops to get the Toddler more crap she doesn't need.

Or replacing something that looks like it's going to fail soon. Like, for example, yesterday I replaced our baby monitor. Because the one we had wasn't charging the parent handset properly, and as a result the reception between the Toddler's room and ours was kinda crappy.

It could have been fine. But instead, I decide it's totally dead and needs to be replaced. Right now. This second.

And so it is.

I actually don't like to think about the amount I spend...or the forhead vein-bulging thoughts the Guru must think on his way home, road rage being his outlet...

And I need to stop. I need to just be content and not feel this need for anything and everything to be perfect. If something of the toddler's gets a stain - yeah, I don't soak it. I just go out and buy a new one. Even if she's only worn it once.

And now I've said that out loud - I realise how truly STUPID I am. And also that you must all think I'm some kind of Diva. But I'm not, honestly...I just have some really strange, stupid expectations of myself. And that's if something isn't perfect, then get something that is because otherwise you're proving everyone right when they say you're a failure and useless and hopeless.

Yeah - I have some demons. But I'm working on them.

God help me with cloth nappies when they arrive.  I think that's why the Guru looked like he was about to cry when I ordered them and he saw the cost. I think he's afraid I'll be replacing them every week. And his fear is completely founded - I've given him plenty of examples in the past, present and now he can just see the future.

But I won't - I promise. Those nappies are my new leaf turning over.

I will soak stains, accept devices that need a little push to charge properly, stop trying to fill voids with 'things' and try to work out what's really missing and fix it.

I will stop trying to do 10 years of home improvements in 2 weeks (although the new letter box, paint, blinds, door handles, furniture placement and everything else look FAB!) and stop boosting the income of Bunnings. And Coles. And Woolworths. And Target, KMart and Big W. And Little Rompers (although I really do want, would love, and am dying for a new Strider pram - I really love, love, LOVE the Strider Plus. I went to drool look at it again today...and it's coming out in new colours. I almost fainted when the girl showed me the new catalogue...). And Chemists (they all have cute soft toys - for a small fortune). And Just Jeans. And Pumpkin Patch.

But basically I just need to STOP.

And I will....I really will...

This will be the last confession from me as a shop-a-holic.

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