Sometimes I need a filter between my brain and my mouth.
This is not the way to get one.

Wednesday, 15 June 2011

Wolf Creek John Jarrett and the GPS of Death on a Long Weekend

Sounds dramatic, huh?  Well, dramatic it may be, but it's completely and utterly true. For a few hours on the long weekend I honestly thought Wolf Creek John Jarrett was going to jump out and get us:

I'll never see Wolf Creek - the ad's alone made me want to cry
It was the disturbing close to a rather full weekend.

Saturday was a nothing day - and I'm not ashamed to admit that I slept all day. I left the Guru to manage the Toddler and I snoozed the day away on the couch, occasionally opening one eye to view the child-cyclone-path-of-destruction that surrounded me. I decided to just pretend it was all part of her Pro Hart phase and we'd soon be making money out of this kind of mess. It settled my mind enough to go back to sleep, and that's all that mattered.

I didn't see a dragonfly on my floor so much as a dragonfly poop
Sunday rolled around quickly, much to my disgust, but it was a shopping day and we went and bought some clothes, a DVD kit for inside the car and some other stuff. Once the shopping was complete, the Guru went home to have a lie down (it's the stress of spending money, see) and the Toddler and I continued on to the Greek Glenti that was being held on the Esplanade.

My Mum and a friend of the family from Japan came with us, so I had help wrangling the Toddler through the masses of people. We were all cool, calm and collected until suddenly my child tried to leap from my arms and burst my eardrum with a screech of 'DIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEGO MUMMYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!' Needless to say, it appeared that Diego, the cousin of Dora the Explorer, was on stage and it was imperative that we get to the stage NOW.

I can't say my day would have been lacking if I didn't have to endure the 20 minutes of mindless babble from a man in a large costume. And 20 minutes was all the Toddler was prepared to witness because after this time she turned to me and said 'Enough now Mummy, we go somewhere else.' Apparently she was disappointed in the quality of the entertainment - it was pointed out to me that the animals weren't real.

Step it up Diego, next time the Iguanas and the birds need to be real, and trained to speak and act.

Fresh from the set of his latest James Bond movie, Frank Iguana is looking for a new career challenge...
So we abondoned Diego to complete his 'quest' alone, and were subsequently swallowed by an ocean of people who swept us up and dropped us neatly in front of a bouncy castle. Awesome.

We spent 15 minutes on the bouncy castle, until the Toddler's foot found a patch of castle that had been baking in the sun. Cue tears and a desperate attempt to launch herself off the castle to escape the lava pit she had just encountered.

Once feet were soothed, we moved on to the teacups. The GIANT teacups. Which the Toddler begged her Nanna to take her on. So both lined up, and all was fine with the cheery-emo teenager controlling his giant teacup ride with all the pride he could muster. I have a feeling it's a more satisfying job than making burgers at McDonald's or stacking shelves at Coles.

Because at night you could sneak back, plug in your teacups and ride them for as long as you liked.

Sneaking back to Maccas or Coles in the middle of the night to plug something in and ride it will most likely just get you arrested. And then fired.

Teacups - helping children spew since forever.

The Toddler happily waited the 5 or so minutes for her turn and finally got into a teacup with her Nanna. But sadly, the cheery-emo youth was replaced by the evil-emo youth who wore 3 watches and only let the kids ride for 3 minutes. Which was about how long it took him to get the ride up to speed.

It was somewhat anti-climatic and I could tell by the look on the Toddler's face.

I threw evil-emo the evil eye and hoped that his Carney instincts would make him realise he had just been cursed.

Except that I was less cat and more person...
And if he didn't notice the curse, then losing a testicle will just come as a pleasant surprise.

Anyway, we moved on to a motorbike ride, which the Toddler took on like Casey Stoner was her Dad. Which he's not. She loved that ride, and rode the mini bike like she owned it. She chose the red one too - because red goes faster.

It was a day full of Kodak Moments and times that I cursed the idiots who flogged our camera - so, hopefully, when their testicles fall off it will be a pleasant surprise for them, too.

Finally it was time to go home and recover. The Toddler was in bed at 7:30pm. I was in bed at 7:35pm.

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After the best nights sleep ever I woke up and decided that today was the day to text everyone I haven't talked to in a while.

This included my friend who had a baby 6 weeks ago, my friend who had a baby 4 weeks ago and my cousin who is due to give birth in 4 weeks.

As 2/3 of these people are in South Australia, it seemed more appropriate to visit the baby who lives in the same state. And her Mum, of course. Ahem.

So I got the address of their new place, loaded myself and the Toddler in the car and went and spent a small fortune at Target in a 'holy crap I still haven't got my friend's baby anything' shopping fit.

I think Target hates me. They always seem to be having a sale on cute clothing in the Toddler's size. Which would be fine had I not promised the Guru that my last spree at Pumpkin Patch would be the last foray into clothing land for a while.

A while, in his mind, being 6 or so months.

A while, in reality and when I'm unsupervised, was actually a matter of hours.

The shame. It burns.

Anyhoo, the Toddler and I had some lunch and then loaded in the car once more. I was super excited to be able to use the GPS in the car for the first time. Well, the first time where I didn't actually know where I was going. Getting directions home from work is slightly redundant when you've been travelling the same way for 3 years.

I was slightly disturbed when the GPS showed me my route on the map. It looked a little something like this:

In the middle of nowhere is where John Jarrett likes to choose his prey...
At that point I was grateful for a full tank, full stomachs and drink bottles. Worst case scenario, I've watched part of an episode of Man Vs Wild, and I think I could cope...probably...

So off we go....and go....and go. I get a call from the Guru voicing concern that we've been gone for several hours. I advise him that I'm currently driving roads I didn't even know existed in the NT, and that I'm not sure if we'll make it home alive.

The Toddler was asleep, and this gave me ample time to consider our situation;

A) Driving in an unfamiliar area
B) Potentially lost...the GPS likes to update me occasionally, reminding me to continue for another 20km's, but I'm on a straight road so it's not like I have options.
C) The tree's are starting to look eerily like they were filmed in Wolf Creek
D) I believe we may be the next victims of Wolf Creek
E) When John Jarrett jumps out of the next bush I must not stop to check that he's dead. Serial killers always fake death to trap you. I will not be fooled!!

After driving for enough time for Shrek 4 to play twice (almost) we made it.

No thanks to John Jarrett.

The next time we go visit, I'll be prepared.

I'd like you to meet our family bodyguard
The drive home was uneventful, but still un-nerving. John Jarrett had obviously hacked into the GPS as it kept telling me to continue into the desolate distance.
And today on my way to work, it kept telling me to do a u-turn and drive to my death.

Pressing buttons at random hasn't achieved anything thus far, so I'm thinking a trek into the users manual is a wise choice.

Wish me luck.

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