Sometimes I need a filter between my brain and my mouth.
This is not the way to get one.

Thursday, 11 August 2011

Afraid...

I'm just going to come out with this - I'm afraid to die.

Why has this suddenly arisen? Well, for me, it's not sudden. I've always had this awful fear of death. And if I watch something based around death or dying for too long, I find myself getting panicky.

Now, I've experienced the death of loved ones. But this fear came along well before any of that. And it has intensified since the Toddler was born. I don't want to leave her - simple.

Last night I was watching the National Geographic Channel, and they kept advertising a new program about uncovering the lives of people from a graveyard in New Zealand. Awesome. Except they kept showing the gravestones and repeated phrases like 'final resting place' and I could feel my stomach start to churn and my chest get tight.

It started to make me think about my own mortality, that I can't live forever and I'll eventually have a final resting place. But I don't want that. I don't want to have a final resting place. I don't want to die - to no longer have a physical prescence, to no longer live my life, to be nothing.

So I ran away from the TV. Ran into the study and proceeded to have a small panic attack at the Guru's desk.

The Guru asked what was wrong but for some reason I couldn't say. I didn't want to say. I've no idea why.

They say a fear of death is normal. It's the unknown - we all fear the unknown to a point. And we can't escape it. We all have to die one day.

At this point I'm resisting the urge to run away from my computer. Run away from death while I can. Even though I can't.

It's so screwed up and so bizzare. And quite obviously not something people sit down and chat about over a cup of tea and a TimTam.

It doesn't always bother me. Really, it doesn't. It tends to sneak up on me when I'm tired and impressionable and my mind latches on to things that would never cross my mind under ordinary circustances. But at the same time I know it's the reason I can't sleep in a completely dark room. It's the reason I can't sleep in a perfectly silent room - I always have the TV on or the radio or something to create noise (and light) while I fall asleep.

And I've never analysed my little 'quirks' at bedtime, until now. Obviously my subconcious is making sure I have my 'comfort zone' all set to go before sleep. Not a bad thing.

Maybe one day I'll make peace with it. Maybe ít's something you learn as you get older.

The greatest mystery of them all. Not even National Geographic can solve this one.



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