Sometimes I need a filter between my brain and my mouth.
This is not the way to get one.

Friday, 28 October 2011

You'd better not pout, I'm telling you why...

Santa Claus Obama is coming to town!

So it's now official. Obama has accepted the Prime Minister's invitation to visit the Northern Territory - specifically Darwin.

I'm not 100% sure Obama even knows what he's actually accepted, or even where he's going, so I've decided to put together a little guide for him to refer to while he's in town.

You never know, Tourism NT might pick this up and publish it!

FORGET NOONAMAH - WHERE THE HELL IS DARWIN? 
A personalised guide to the Northern Territory for President Obama, November 2011.

First of all, Noonamah is approximately 45 kilometres South-East from Darwin City. There's nothing there, so don't feel slighted if it's not part of your tour.

Now we've got that out of the way, we can get to the important stuff.

An excerpt from the travelnt.com website describes Darwin as "...the tropical capital city of Australia’s Northern Territory."

"Darwin was founded as Australia’s most northerly harbour port in 1869. Darwin... made world news when the city was rebuilt in the wake of Cyclone Tracy in 1974 - an event well documented at the Museum and Art Gallery of the Northern Territory."

"Its colourful history has contributed to Darwin’s cultural diversity - more than 50 nationalities make up its 100,000 population, including the area's traditional landowners, the Larrakia Aboriginal people."

It sounds so magical, doesn't it?  But let's look at the cold, hard facts.

The Northern Territory is very unique. It has 2 seasons rather than 4, both of which are nauseatingly hot, although 6 months out of the year you can freeze your arse off at night. The NT has managed to remain 10-15 years behind the rest of the country, and people seem okay with this. I've lived here almost 10 years and I'm still unable to accept that there is no Myer.

My therapist says I'm making progress.

Inhabitants like to build/buy homes for 3 times the cost of any other state and have it be smaller and crappier. They like to spend all their money on electricity, running air conditioners. Without air conditioning the entire NT would be used as one large, free-range prison.

You are not regarded as a local, or 'Territorian', unless a) you were born here, b) you've lived here for more than 100 years or c) you've been attacked by a crocodile and lived.

The NT has a disturbing fascination with crocodiles - and the 'newspaper' likes to feature them on the front page regularly. We also like to include pictures of tourists dancing on top of crocodile traps.

Without these tourists the crocodiles might have to start hunting for their food, again.

In fact, while you're in the NT, it's worth having some extra luggage that's empty. You'll most likely be leaving with a handbag and purse for Michelle, plus a wallet, shoes, hat, manbag, belt, tie, shirt, pants, jocks, socks, whip, toothbrush, toilet paper and condoms all made from crocodile leather.

Someone will probably make you hold a crocodile and take a photo. While you're wearing your brand new leather outfit.

Lucky you.

The NT is the third largest land division, but has the lowest population. It could be the climate that makes it unappealing. It could also be that it seems to have a disturbingly high murderer Vs. normal person ratio. I highly recommend you watch Wolf Creek before you arrive, and The Castle.

The Castle will offer you no insight into the Northern Territory - it's just a fucking good laugh.

Back to the subject - although we have all this space, we still seem to be inundated with wildlife. I'm not talking koalas, kangaroo's or even emu's. I'm talking snakes, spiders and cockroaches so big, I ride one to work. This could also account for our low population - we're fighting off murderers and every deadly reptile/arachnid/armageddon surviving beetle available!

And trust me, cockroaches this big must eat people. There's no other explanation.

Now, I mentioned the climate a little earlier and now might be a good time to discuss the topic of appropriate clothing. You should know it's prefectly acceptable to wear your bathers (I think you'd say 'swim suit') and a towel to shops, movies, restaurants, bars, and clubs. You can wear your thongs ('flip flops') anywhere and everywhere - but not to the casino.

If you want to loose all your money, you have to be wearing enclosed shoes. For a dressy evening it's deemed appropriate to throw a t-shirt over your bikini top.

Darwin has gorgeous beaches and they're lovely to look at, but that's about all. Your visit is in perfect co-ordination with the annual jelly fish migration. And, of course, there are crocodiles and sharks all the time - the jelly fish stings just make it more exciting.

Darwin's a bit of a party town and drinking is the number one past time. Second only to crocodile wrestling - but in all honesty, they are usually done in conjunction with one another. Secretly (or not), the NT hasn't been able to let go of the 'Crocodile Dundee' mentality. It's therapist says it's making progress.

With all this information, your trip should be an exciting one. It'll certainly be eye watering opening and you'll be heading back to the White House with more crocodile hide than you ever thought possible.

You're welcome.


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