Sometimes I need a filter between my brain and my mouth.
This is not the way to get one.

Tuesday, 1 November 2011

Kim & Kris: A Fairytale Divorce

Dear Kim,

It was all too good to last, huh?  Hate to tell you this chick, but marriage is hard work. Harder than flicking your hair and and pouting your lips in front of a camera. Harder than working out the best Kardashian product placement in a screen shot.

I guess you weren't prepared for that. I mean, I know you're almost 30, but did you really have to make yourself the poster child for 'Most Pointless Event of 2011'?

Even Brittney just did a Vegas job on the low-down with a quickie annulment. If you're going to waste a marriage, don't make a song and dance about it.

Maybe it would sting less if it was done quietly. I know it's not the Kardashian way, but there is this thing called 'low key' and it can make a difference when it comes to making a complete arse of yourself - pardon the pun.

Generally speaking, knowing someone for 6 months does not marriage material make. It takes 6 months to realise that no amount of deodorant is going to kill the smell of his shoes and that, yes, those weird looking people following you are, in fact, his friends. Personally, after 6 months it was just dawning on me that I was dating someone who ate tomato sauce and melted cheese on bread and liked eggs enough to no longer be aware of his own arse stench.

Disturbing realisations. And they would have been enough to make me run screaming for the hills. But I hadn't married him and I didn't live with him, so I had delusions of being able to change those facts.

Obviously, I was a fucking idiot. But more importantly, I wasn't living out my life on television and trying to create reasons for people to continue wasting precious minutes of life, watching me and my family embarrass themselves.

Because it is embarrassing. I would be mortified if people saw me doing half the things you and your family do. A sex tape would be less controversial.

I'm sure you watch yourself and think people are judging what you're wearing or buying or how big or small you look. Trust me, it's the last thing people are worried about. People (an no, I don't mean the magazine) are more concerned with the fact that a TV show is so important to you and your family's money machine that you would marry someone you barely know, just to maintain an audience share.

I knew money could be addictive, and people would do stupid stuff for it, but this puts you right up there with Octomum.

Thankfully, you didn't sign an endorsement deal with a fertility clinic to commence treatment at your wedding reception. That would have been beyond awkward. Even by your standards...maybe. After all, you are the family who proceeded to adorn your mother with incontinence pads.

Lucky woman. No wonder she likes flocked wallpaper - I'd need a padded cell too. But we regular people have to find other, creative ways to have some down time.

I'm currently sitting in a room, in our modest home, with the dust buster on full throttle. Not because I'm cleaning but, through trial and error, I know this sound will keep all men and children away from this space for at least an hour and I can have some 'me' time.

That and the fact I don't have a plastic surgeon, nanny, massage and beauty therapist on speed dial to make it all better.

Marriage is about trial and error, and it takes time and patience. These 2 practices may be unfamiliar to you, but they're worth Googling for the future.

The internet is abuzz with people making a mockery of your brief journey into marital bliss bling, but you have to admit that considering your wedding could have fed a small African Nation for a decade, to break things off 60 days later is just plain disgusting.

Magazines tell me that you regret the decision to marry so quickly and that marriage wasn't what you thought it would be. Can I ask - what were you expecting? You certainly don't have it difficult.

Was the challenge not being able to get your PA to schedule sex? Because that's number 2 on the list of things that will end your marriage. Number 1 is still being debated.

I suppose a look on the bright side would be that you don't have any assets to divide - you never merged anything and you bought your own rings. Wow, looks like your divorce is going to be over faster than your marriage.

And as a side note, I don't think you can claim your wedding as a loss on your tax, no matter how business orientated it was.

Good luck for the future Kim, the first divorce is always the hardest. I'm sure the other's will be far easier.

Cheers

Straight to Your Inbox, Baby

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