Sometimes I need a filter between my brain and my mouth.
This is not the way to get one.

Tuesday, 23 April 2013

The Acidic Observer, Volume I

I've got my ranty pants on this week. Why?  Because the world has gone completely insane and I feel the urge to get on my soap box about it.

The title of this post is, hopefully, the first in a series of soap box posts. In my mind I see it as a newspaper edition - but instead of reporting current events from an all-angles, completely un-biased position, I am going to be taking the sarcastic, exasperated and outraged position and throw in some reductio ad absurdum, just to keep it interesting.

So beware world - if you make a stupid move, I'll be on your arse, ready to point out your idiocy.

To begin this inaugural edition, I would like to start with the 22 year old student who is suing McDonald's because she spilled coffee on her leg and it burnt. Honey, if everyone who spilled their Maccas coffee on their lap sued them and won, there wouldn't be a bloody Maccas! She states that the lid wasn't secured properly by the staff, and I believe her - 99% of the time the 10 year old serving me a meal is barely able to reach the cup dispenser, let alone fully secure a lid to a steaming cup of coffee.

What I don't understand is the need to sue them. Okay, the lid wasn't on properly and you spilled your half strength vanilla latte with 2 marshmallows and whipped cream on your lap. It burnt. Badly - second degree burns are no laughing matter. But can we really go about suing organisations or people simply because a series of events occurred and you inadvertently got hurt?

They put massive warnings on the cup that the contents are hot and may burn - it's not an invitation to test out the theory.

If you were at home and made a cup of coffee, tripped on your cat/dog/hairless mole rat and spilled it all over yourself, are you going to sue your pet? Are you going to sue your Mum, or your boyfriend if they served you hot coffee and you accidentally wore it? No. Because it was an accident - and this is no different.

If you ask me, this entire situation is the coffee equivalent of 'I'm going to sue the condom company because I got pregnant and the box didn't say the condom was ineffective if applied to any body part other than a penis'.

Next on my hit list is an advertisement by Subaru for their new vehicle that has not just a reversing camera, but 2 cameras that look out the windscreen and will tell the car to brake so you don't run down an innocent pedestrian.

The reversing camera makes perfect sense. I have one on my car, and I love it because I don't have eyes in the back of my head (shhhh, don't tell Miss 4) and I certainly can't stretch my vision to the rear bumper of my vehicle and reverse at the same time.

I DO have 2 eyes in the front of my head that happen to be able to look through a windscreen and judge when I should brake to avoid an accident or killing an innocent bystander. My suggestion would be, if you don't have this ability, to step away from the vehicle and get your seeing-eye dog out of the driver's seat.

Lastly, my attention is drawn to the recent arrest of Reese Witherspoon and her husband - whats-'is-face. He was pulled over for high level drink driving, and Reese tried the 'don't you know who I am?' move. It backfired and she got arrested for backchatting the police officer. And he honestly had no idea who she was, so she was wasting her booze-soaked-breath anyway.

It's not the fact that she attempted to talk her way out of it that annoys me the most - but the fact that they were in that situation to begin with. Reese, I'm sure you've made enough movies and get enough alimony from Ryan to be able to pay for a taxi - you have more money available on your credit card than some people could possibly imagine, and yet you both decided to drive and risk the lives of other people on the road because you were too cheap, or perhaps you thought too 'special', to take a taxi that other 'normal' people use.

Just because she's famous doesn't make her husband's actions any less dangerous. It doesn't make them invincible. It doesn't make them any less responsible for their choices - even if Reese did think she was famous enough to talk her way out of it. If Reese and her family were involved in an accident with a drunk driver, you can bet she would be on day time talk shows to rant and rave faster than flies on a shit. She would be the face of every anti-drink-driving campaign available, and she would be burning crates of whiskey in the streets, just to make a point.

But put her on the opposite side of the story, and suddenly being famous means you feel you can operate heavy machinery while soused. Interesting theory - glad we didn't have to discover the ultimate outcome from that idea.

And so ends the first edition of The Acidic Observer. I hope you enjoyed my withering reviews, and I have no doubt I'll be back next week with equally scathing reports on some more of humanity's best cock ups from the week.


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