Sometimes I need a filter between my brain and my mouth.
This is not the way to get one.

Monday, 30 August 2010

Assertive is a positive word and I am a positive person.

Or so the post-it note on my computer screen tells me. Courtesy of my workmate who says I need to work on being assertive and learn that it's ok to say no.

But for me, assertive is a word that people hide behind when they just want to be complete and total bastards. I can always picture someone who beats their partner as saying they are just being 'assertive' because their other half won't listen.

I also suffer from such a crippling lack of self esteem that saying 'no' is a luxury I simply won't allow myself.

Today I had to fill out a form to track the amount of TOIL time I've accrued over the last few months. I couldn't complete it. Because every time I tried to enter in some overtime worked, I found a million excuses as to why I'm not entitled to take that time off and so it shouldn't be tracked.

I have a Betts voucher from Christmas from the Guru, a manicure voucher from my birthday from my friend, Kate and a voucher that I got from work for a massage as a thank you for work I did on a conference. And I haven't used any of them. A couple of them are due to expire soon. But I don't feel like I earned them. I feel like a fraud, like if I go to spend them the person behind the counter will know I'm actually a slacker and don't deserve to be standing there buying $100 worth of shoes.

There is a voice in my head that is constantly reminding me that I am not worth it, that I don't deserve it. And 'it' can be anything - right down to the fact that some days I go to bed thinking I don't deserve my family because they are so very wonderful, and I am so very not.

And as much as I am doing all the things I need to, to try and get some control over these horrible thoughts and feelings, some days it still gets the better of me. And sometimes it takes something little like a overtime tracking sheet to set off the thought process.

Which is ironic considering we had a great weekend.

We made some fabulous progress with the house, spent a fortune at Bunnings on bits and pieces to make our place 'ours' (I'm expecting Bunnings to issue a statement on all news programs that they have hit an all time high profit for the month of August), the Toddler was photographed to be included in a book called 'Kids of Darwin' and the photographer asked if it would be alright if they contacted us in the future for the Toddler to be a model for a funky kids store here in Darwin.

And oh my god, her photo's are gorgeous. Yeah, I am her Mummy and I am totally biased, but she looked just...so...well, there aren't words. But my heart swells every time I think of her (and it does every day regardless) and I have no idea how someone as flawed as me managed to create someone so completely perfect. But then again, she is all her Daddy, not me, and that explains her amazing-ness and the light she brings to the world.

X-Sight Photography did the photo's and George and Fiona are amazing. They were so much fun and the Toddler had a ball with them. It was like a play-date and someone just happened to be there to grab a few snaps of the day. George and Fiona were definately 'friends' of the Toddler by the end...she happily walked around holding George's hand, leading him all over the place while Fiona giggled and looked on with the Guru and I. It was a great morning.

This past week we've eaten out heaps with family and had friends visiting from interstate, got the Guru's tax refund through (mine is still in limbo) and finally unwrapped our new couches and placed them in the house. And we know they're awesome because the Toddler simply refers to them as 'pillows'. So yeah, they are super cushy and comfy.

The trickiest part will be making sure the cats don't use them as scratching posts. But I can promise them that if one single claw is insterted anywhere on these couches, an uncomprehendable rain of terror will be unleashed. And if they use our couches as scratching posts, the Guru will be using them as speed humps in our new driveway.

But it will all be clearly explained when they arrive. With whiteboards, diagrams and PowerPoint presentations. And catering. Some people learn better with music playing. My cats learn better with food being eaten.

But all in all the weekend has been amazing and very bright. So it was a shock to walk into work this morning and be hit by a brick that is my emotional state. It was so, very unexpected.

I would very much like to not have this. And as I said above, I am doing things to help the situation. But there is a part of me that is very angry and resentful at being dealt this card in life. And while I am making progress in realising that it's the result of things comletely out of my control, I still feel cheated.

But most of all, I am trying hard to reach my inner child. That small part of my soul that has been hurting for so very long. And hug her. And tell her that it will be alright, and that it is okay to be her. That she is not stupid, she is not a disappointment and is very, very loved and wanted. That it is okay to cry and be uncertain. That life is not perfect, but that doesn't mean she's not.

And I'd like to think one day I will believe all of those things.

But what I want most of all is to know that I will never allow the Toddler to feel this way. That she will always know love, safety, compassion and empathy. That no question is ever silly, and she only needs to be who is she is, nothing more. That she will always hold a piece of my heart and soul and only she can occupy those spaces. That when she needs me and there are no healing words, I will always have my arms and heart open for her, and even through hard times and learning curves, we will learn together and be better for it.

If I never get anything else out of this...that will be enough.

2 comments :

  1. If I were there, I'd totally slap you (in a friendly manner) and then take you shopping.
    You deserve everything. You are definitely worthy of that and so much more. If anyone tells you differently I will deck them. Cause I can. And violence is not cool and totally unnecessary kids.

    (Watch those sneaky cats. It'll be a midnight trip for sure.)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thanks hun :) x

    (I'm thinking I should have created a solid steel base for the couches...)

    ReplyDelete

Thanks for the comment - it helps validate the fact that I'm not just talking to myself.

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