Sometimes I need a filter between my brain and my mouth.
This is not the way to get one.

Thursday, 20 October 2011

Bringing Back the Om...

Well, it's been 15 days since I last posted. 7 of those days were self inflicted 'technological blackout' days.

I got back from my final work trip and decided I'd had enough of the outside world and wanted to focus closer to home.

So the iPhone was off, the computer was off and I made room in my head for...nothing.

Nothing but books, hide-and-seek, swimming, laughing, sleeping, cuddles, baking, painting and plaiting blonde ringlets.

I loved every second.

And while the Toddler slept, I cleaned. More of our home ended up on the kerb for the cyclone season hard-rubbish pick up, than any other house on the street.

The house feels open, calmer, cleaner and simpler. And so does my head.

Sure, I totally should have gone to work. But pulling myself away from there, pulling the Toddler out of daycare for the week and just having family time was worth every second spent catching up on hundreds of emails.

And the most important thing I learnt? Work and the world won't fall apart just because I make time for myself. One day I'm sure I'll remember that, without having to drive myself into exhaustion first.

I've been enjoying drafting plans for changes we'll be making to the house. Progress hasn't been and won't be as fast as I'd like, but I need to learn to slow down. I am very 'now, now, now' in everything I do. I don't like suspense. If something is going to happen, just make it happen already.

I'm going to try and learn to enjoy the journey, rather than focusing on the destination and letting everything fly past me as I rush to get there. Wherever 'there' is.

I have taken 3 days to paint one new door for our home. We are going for high gloss black, and instead of slapping on the thickest coat possible and rushing the job, I'm taking it easy. Doing one coat at a time and layering until the sheen is so brilliant and perfect it looks like acrylic.

I'm doing one door at a time. I'm not worrying about invisible deadlines which I set for myself and aren't actually necessary or even applicable. I'm not in a race with myself.

And the Toddler is helping me. I'm not thinking about final finishes - I'm focusing on the fact that she will be able to tell everyone that she helped paint the entry to our family home. Because she is what makes us a family.

I'm trying to stop worrying about the things I can't change. Trying to stop letting things beyond my control hurt me or anger me. It's a challenge - and some days it just doesn't happen. Which is fine, because tomorrow is another day.

Insurance companies will allways set my teeth on edge, and I have chipped my front tooth again with all the teeth grinding I've been doing over unresolved claims.

Our dentist will dedicate the new wing of his mansion to our family. Since we funded it.

But I need to let it go. I need to let it all go. Being angry and upset forever will not change the past. It's pointless and it's not who I want to be.

So we will move forward. We will create a new family heirloom. We'll bring the past to meet the future and know that we did all we could have done. We're not forgetting what came before us, and we're not losing sight of all we have ahead of us.

The journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step ~ Lao Tzu

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